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By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 951

You deserved it 15 462

By Noname - 20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 439

You deserved it 125 097

By KMAC - 16/03/2010 20:14 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 448

You deserved it 3 373

Yucky!

By theapplesleader - 23/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 3 871

By a man - 10/04/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 103

You deserved it 3 896

Jumping to conclusions

By el211 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 698

You deserved it 2 880

By Fack. - 19/02/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 021

You deserved it 8 668

Free healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, it's gotten to the point where I can't afford my ADD medication anymore. Now, I'm literally too poor to pay attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 105

By dannyfanny - 28/08/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 804

You deserved it 2 622

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 744

You deserved it 14 119

Maoism intensifies

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 02:00

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 11/01/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 383

You deserved it 3 032

Just no, MIL

By Anonymous - 17/02/2024 12:00

Today, against my wishes, my wife insisted we let my horrible mother meet her first grandson. This is a woman who refuses to learn basic English, but for the sake of insulting my wife who doesn’t speak Chinese, she still managed to say in English, “Baby so ugly, you do better with next one.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 140

By Raaar - 26/08/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 510

You deserved it 17 688

Early learner

By Courtney Micallef - 02/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was teaching my one year-old some new words. He pointed to the picture of a pig and said, "Mama". Guess I better start that diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 344

Prosecution time

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me going down on him online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 251

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 222

You deserved it 4 214

Spice

By HungerStrike - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 832

You deserved it 3 678

By lifsabtch - 06/01/2013 17:24

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 475

You deserved it 8 837

By Natalie - 01/04/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 085

You deserved it 4 280

By misty_love - 10/03/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 752

You deserved it 3 742

Impressive

By Rachal - 30/01/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 789

You deserved it 10 932

Deep clean

By Anonymous - 22/08/2009 19:48 - United States

Today, my husband decided to drain his motorcycle oil into an empty bottle of laundry detergent. Also today, I decided to lift a stain out of my white comforter with some detergent I found in the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 945

You deserved it 12 430

Olympic kerfuffle

By Stace - 29/07/2021 16:01 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my dad went on a rant about the US Olympics gymnastics team, claiming that it was a disgrace that someone dropped out, and that it was disrespecting "our flag". He's never watched the Olympic games ever, not to mention any gymnastics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 157

By GothicbunnyxC - 28/01/2012 23:31 - Canada

Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 669

You deserved it 35 491

By upliftmofo - 28/03/2011 05:56 - Belgium

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 685

You deserved it 5 988

So romantic

By Anonymous - 30/12/2012 23:58 - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 000

You deserved it 4 069

The language of love

By Paicked - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 663

You deserved it 17 877

BFF

By imabadperson - 06/03/2010 12:24 - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 527

You deserved it 44 568

By Dude - 19/08/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 683

You deserved it 5 044

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The Top

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 549

You deserved it 3 078

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 205

You deserved it 1 309

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 381

You deserved it 298

Today, while answering hospice calls, I had to take this one with a straight face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 142

Today, I have Covid, caught during a work trip I didn't want to go on, AND my apartment has flooded for the third time since Thanksgiving. My landlord seems to have no intention of fixing the issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 96

Today, I spent a good hour playing a life simulation game so my character could go through the stages of pregnancy and labor, only to jealously cry for an hour because my character can successfully get pregnant and have a baby, and I can't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 253