Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML
Today, I thought I knew what sexual frustration was in my teens, but that was nothing compared to a (due to circumstances, but still) sexless married life, in a shitty economy. I'm so tense, I could tear down a wall with my bare hands right now. FML
Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML
Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML
Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard that the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML
Today, after my naked husband farted in my face because he’s an immature man child who refuses to act his age, this morning I woke up with raging pink eye. I’m half blind and I’m supposed to be taking my driving test this afternoon. I can’t see. FML
Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML
Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML
Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML
Today, I have a broken nose because my girlfriend saw I got a text from a woman called Gemma. Gemma is the name of my ex, so she smashed me in the face with a full cereal bowl. Funny thing, Gemma is also the name of my boss, who was texting me about a work thing. FML
Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML
Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML
Today, as a Uber driver, a passenger requested a ride at 5:30 a.m. so he could go a half block to the McDonald's drive thru and back. FML
aviationgeek tells us more.
Op here. the guy didn't tip or offer to buy me any food. it was a $3 fare.
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML
Today, my son came running in, saying he had a project due tomorrow. I asked when it was assigned; he said two weeks ago. I refused to help, saying that he failed to act responsibly and had to live with the consequences. Now he's throwing a tantrum and my wife is screaming at me. FML
Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML
Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML
Today, my boss slapped me on the ass and said, "Good work, princess." FML
Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML
Today, while on my way to work, an elderly woman complimented me on my breast cancer scarf. I explained that my grandmother made one for all her female grandchildren before passing away two years ago. The woman then went psycho and almost strangled me in an attempt to steal it. FML
Whackgourd tells us more.
The old lady had accused me of lying before trying to take my scarf for herself. She even started screaming at me on the crosswalk before trying to take my scarf. I don't know if she was crazy or suffering delusions, but she claimed she was a cancer survivor and deserved the scarf. Thankfully, my grandmother, (she had knitted two dozen scarves) had figured out how to make them strong. My scarf is a little longer now, but it's still mine and the lady fell after losing the tug of war with me. I did outweigh her. I think she's okay, but I'm keeping an eye out every time I wear my scarf. Also, the only reason my grandma made the scarves was because she liked pink and was dying from her diabetes and bone cancer. But thanks for all the support and all the ironic statements.
Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML
Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML
Today, I went to the movies with this guy I'd started dating. During the movie, I thought it would be cool and funny to make sarcastic comments. When he dropped me off home, he told me that it was the worst date ever and to not talk to him again for being "annoying and obnoxious." FML
Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML
Today, after receiving a negative herpes test four months ago, my doctor called me and told me it was a false negative and I’ve been living with herpes for four months. I then had to tell everyone I’ve slept with about it, and worst of all my new boyfriend broke up with me. All in one day. FML
Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML
Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML
Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML
Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML
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