Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML
Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML
Today, it was the day my catheter was to be removed. The nurse removing it deflated the balloon, and then tried pulling it out. After me screaming in extreme pain, she found out she hadn't actually deflated the balloon all the way. She was trying to pull a small balloon through my dick hole. FML
Sheldon76 tells us more.
Sheldon76 16
Well once she felt the resistance she stopped and deflated it fully. But unfortunately it had traveled some down the urethra before she realized. So I had to wait while she grabbed another syringe unfortunately.
Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML
Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML
Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML
Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 weeks showed up at my house at 7 AM. I was about to give him a kiss when he said, "Good morning, is Sarah here?" I was confused until I realized he didn't recognize me because I had no make up on. FML
sarahxHx tells us more.
Hey it's OP. We stood there for a good 5 seconds until he realized it was actually me. He sincerely apologized and he said he hope it didn't offend me. He's a really nice guy and I'm happy to be dating him! :) We went hiking that morning. And for those saying I wear too much makeup on, I don't. I simply have super light eyebrows and eyelashes, and girls here would understand that doing your eyebrows and putting on black mascara makes a HUGE difference. For my face, I only wear a light coverage tinted moisturizer. You're all so quick to judge. SMH.
Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML
Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
Today, on my second day at my new job, a customer called my manager with a complaint about me. He said I put the cheese "upside down" on his sandwich, and that made it taste bad. FML
LexiD19 tells us more.
LexiD19 26
Hey, OP here! I just started working at Subway a few days ago, so my manager is still training me on the "ways of being a sandwich artist." While making this man's sandwich, I put the cheese longest side facing each other in order to cover all the meat evenly. Well, a few hours later, my manager gets a call from the same man complaining about the cheese being "upside down." My manager thought the whole situation was hilarious and enjoyed telling all of the employees the story. She assured me I didn't do anything wrong and I've been doing great the past few days.
Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML
Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML
Today, I went to work at my job as a CNA at a long-term care facility. I'm also on a medication that has a side effect of confusion. I had 3 residents with Alzheimer's tell me to 'get my shit together.' FML
Basically_ tells us more.
OP here! Maybe I should have specified that the medication causes mild confusion, as in, maybe I forget where a specific resident keeps their towels. Alzheimer's residents can get very upset if everything is not done in a specific way. I would never go to work if I thought I could not do my job!
Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML
Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML
Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke, and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML
Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML
Today, my dog brought me a a dead rabbit. It so happened to be the rabbit a group of neighborhood kids were looking for after they lost it yesterday. I just had to hide a body for my dog. FML
savannahsboxxx tells us more.
I love my phone any who they came out and said she'll have to pass a test or she'll have to go on a dangerous dog list. I personally will know she'll pass but it's not like I trained her to kill there rabbit it was animal instant. It happened in my yard while she was on a tie out. so it's there fault for not being responsible with there rabbit.
Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML
Today, a revolving door got the better of me. I made it into the crowded lobby, unlike my skirt. Bad day to wear a thong. FML
Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML
Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML
Today, a man approached me and told me he wanted to drink my dirty bath water. FML
sam882 tells us more.
sam882 28
I was completely shocked and at the same time embarrassed. I had to just walk away, completely speechless. It took a moment to register with me that i actually heard that. haha
Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, and he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do. I said I wanted him to make me scream and cum. To which he replied, "Okay, be realistic now". FML
imonfmlnow tells us more.
Some of your comments kind of make me cringe, but this is FML so I guess I should have expected that. It was in fact not my boyfriends first time, not even close :P it was one of my first times, actually. He is the first person I've had sex with, and he knows what he's doing WAY more than I do. Anyways, he's just a really funny guy. He's confident and cocky and a goober and i love him. The first time we had sex I told him to talk dirty to me so he said okay and started whispering things like "the kitchen sink. The floor when I don't vacuum." And we both ended up laughing so hard we were crying. He's a fantastic guy, the love of my life, and I wouldn't leave him for anything. To wrap this up, why are people saying my expectations are too high? I've never had an ******, but I've given my boyfriend more than a few. I just wanted to know if I could have one, because I haven't got anywhere near an ****** yet in any sexual situations I've had in my whole life. I wasn't having false expectations, I think it's pretty normal to want to experience an ******. Anyway, thanks for reading!
Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML
Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML
Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML
Today, during a family game of "Cards Against Humanity," I had to explain to my mom what queefing is. FML
lulinator tells us more.
lulinator 40
OP here. Yes, I'm aware (NOW!) that it isn't a "family game!" My sister-in-law brought it to play after our family dinner. None of us had ever heard of it before. My mom is very innocent, so hearing her have to read out some of the lines was probably the best part of the game. She was crying from laughing, my brother got a nosebleed from laughing, and I almost threw up. I also had to explain to my dad what "road head" is. Poor guy.
Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML
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