Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boss fired me because I "didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML
Today, my boss made me come in at 10 a.m. instead of noon like he usually does. I’ve had nine cups of coffee and STILL can’t keep my eyes open. Why am I like this? FML
Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML
Today, according to my boss, he could cancel out the chill effect of pot brownies by mixing Red Bull into coffee. Somehow, I think his wastedness was still noticeable, since he fell asleep at an important meeting and our main investor pulled out, putting most of our jobs at risk. FML
Today, I tried to sip my coffee quietly during a quiet meeting. Instead, I inhaled it, started choking, and sprayed lukewarm coffee all over my notes, my shirt, and unfortunately, my boss. She didn’t say anything, but I’m pretty sure she hates me now. FML
Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML
Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML
Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML
Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML
Today, I stopped at a café before work and ordered a cappuccino. They called out, “Cathy?” I assumed it was mine, grabbed it, and left. Turns out Cathy likes her coffee with four espresso shots. By 10 a.m., I was vibrating and sending emails that read like manifestos. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
Chocolate covered coffee beans are your friend. Tell your boss they are chocolate covered raisins, and you'll be left alone. No one sane likes raisins.
emmatheamazingx 17
I see why he compared them now
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Comments (100)
emmatheamazingx 17
I see why he compared them now
Wutdafuqq 24
Sounds like all he's doing is lowering staff productivity by doing this.
dcam13 19
ahah no one fully realizes caffeine is a drug until they try to stop using it. but why would they ban coffee in the first place?
Mons_fml 27
You don't realize how bad it is until you see yourself through the office bathroom mirrors, shooting up caffine with dirty needles.
tantanpanda 26
Can't op just get coffee before work? what's stopping you from doing so?
Welshite 40
Chocolate covered coffee beans are your friend. Tell your boss they are chocolate covered raisins, and you'll be left alone. No one sane likes raisins.
ShowMeKay 20
Does that certify me as insane? I love raisins :(
Welshite 40
You shouldn't have admitted to liking raisins. You'll be institutionalized by the end of the week.
DoomSkuller 28
I like raisins, too. And craisins.
clemsi 20
I also love raisins....Human pinball party in the padded rooms....Ill bring the raisins, someone else will have to bring drinks.
kylieh72 25
Craisins are the bees knees.
Emma1562 35
Hell ****** yeah
sunnyskys 25
I'll bring the grapes lol and a heat lamp
MidnaLink 35
Love 'em. Love 'em, Love 'em, Love 'em!
praesidiem 16
Sorry FML users, but I'm going to have to call this in. Too many of you are outside your padded rooms.
ironichalibut 24
Craisins are for crazies
MrsPegg 45
Chocolate covered coffee beans FTW. Freakin delicious and much stronger than a cup of coffee!
zunair74 16
Someone's summoned the raisin squad
SailorSolaris 43
I love raisins! They help big time with one of my med's unfortunate side effects! *cough*constipation*cough*
13unluckystars 3
I dunno if that'd work, anyone crazy enough to ban coffee probably loves raisins too :p
kittykat1501 31
Raisins rock!
SlowDownImaNoob 20
Caffeine is one hell of a drug
Sxylilhalfpint 20
I feel your pain I can't go a day without my coffee. or it's not pretty.
alexlots 20
Get revenge, figure out how to give him tons of caffeine then stop a few months in and watch in amusement
HappyItalian 38
I honestly don't think this is bad enough to pull a revenge on, especially since OP's boss obviously didn't direct it specifically to him only (he probably didn't think it would affect OP or any other worker THAT badly). I believe OP should just figure out a solution like #3 said.
alexlots 20
Lol i was joking. Would never actually recommend slipping someone caffeine
Exaspera 55
Workplace productivity drops 75% within the week.
sunnyskys 25
wouldn't doubt it.....
starile 20
Boss comes up missing on the evening news....
booze_n_bitches 37
Can't believe he made you go cold turkey! Join a Caffoholics Anonymous group, we believe in you! You can do it OP!
Astrum14 24
Yeah, that Caffohol is a real bitch to kick.
TheBelt 19
once you start drinking coffee you can't go back
Lucario227 22
I remember my first cup of coffee. My life was changed forever. My blood is probably 99% Caffeine
praesidiem 16
You know what they say, "Once you go black, you never go back!"
Rebnobfulroar 17
I remember my first cup of coffee, except I hated it. To each their own, I guess.
jeff_boles 12
Just do Speed instead! It'll help wake you up, stay focused, and it has several other health benefits! Wait, that may be drinking a glass of water every 4 hours... oh well you can try both!
Exaspera 55
Much easier to sneak into the office, too!
HappyItalian 38
Eat apples! I stopped drinking coffee and started eating apples instead. Not only does it wake you up, but at least it's a healthy alternative.
daisylokes 16
you know what they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
najraa 19
So does a cup of coffee, you just have to throw it hard enough.