Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML
Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML
guitarki tells us more.
guitarki 11
Hey, OP here. I made an account so that I could comment. When it happened, there was nothing I could say to her to make her stop. I asked her several times to please stop talking about it, and I was so embarrassed, but she wouldn't listen to me. I ended up just getting my stuff together and leaving. I'm not very close to the people in the group, so I felt uncomfortable with being so exposed to them. I talked to her afterwards in private and told her that it was really uncool of her to keep talking about it when I asked her to stop. She claimed that she didn't think it was that big of a deal, since when I told her at the time, I didn't say that it was meant to be a secret. I guess I just never thought to let her know that I didn't want her to blab to everyone about my personal issues. She also made sure to clarify to me that when she said it wasn't any of my business, she meant that it was not my conversation to butt into, even though I was literally right beside her. This incident made me realize that she really isn't a very good friend to me. She has never acted this way until recently, so I never thought to avoid telling her things. I do know that I'll definitely not be confiding in her anymore though.
Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML
Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML
Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny nitwit like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said, "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML
Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML
Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled, "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML
Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML
Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML
Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML
Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML
Today, I noticed that my son was less excited about losing a tooth than normal. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Tyler told me that the tooth fairy died yesterday in a car accident." To which Tyler replied, "You're welcome." FML
Mommycakes tells us more.
Just a quick reassurance, Tyler is my other son. Thanks for the support!
Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML
Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML
Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML
Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML
caseyl tells us more.
caseyl 18
Op here. My dad has a car repair shop and the biker gang rented the property next door. So he decided the smartest move would be to intimidate them to make sure they won't cause trouble. Which, I'm pretty sure, is going to cause a shitload of trouble...
Today, as I was closing up at my sandwich-making job when a huge bus full of basic, snobby, preppy cheerleaders came in. They literally "can't even" decide what they want. FML
ironfey tells us more.
Oh geez. Umm hi. OP here c: so I should probably mention that it was about 10-15 minutes until closing time, and that we aren't allowed to close the gates until 5 til. First only like 5 came in, and we're like okay let's do this. We got this. And then another one came in. And another. And another. Not only that, but some of our bosses family came in, so we had to serve them FOR FREE. I didn't get to clock out until 30 minutes after, and I would've had to stay even later if it wasn't for the fact that I'm 16 and that child labor laws exist. And I should also mention that I have nothing against cheerleaders, I've known cheerleaders and dancers that are the most down to earth people in the entire world, but these girls were the type that ask for the meat to be heated separate, for us to pack the vegetables separately, ask for sauce on the side, etc. It was ridiculous. But thank you all for your comments, and anyone else out there working retail: You're a damn trooper, kudos to you c;
Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML
Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, I saw my uncle, whom I have not seen in five years, at a family gathering. His reaction to seeing me? "Holy SHIT you have BOOBS! The guys must be all over you!" I awkwardly replied, "No..." Then he muttered, "I know I would." FML
WellThatWasRude tells us more.
Hi guys, OP here. Thank you for all your comments and concerns about what happened. Regarding some previous comments, I would like to clarify a couple of things. My uncle has some mental health issues. I am not exactly sure what he has, but my parents tell me that he is on different types of medication. Also, my family was in the room when the comment was made. My mom shook her head in shame, but other than that, nothing else was said. This did not happen recently. It actually happened back in December 2014. I barely see my uncle, too. My dad apologized to me later for his inappropriate behavior. We all collectively decided to let it go because of his mental health state. I feel kind of bad because he most likely has no ulterior motives, but it was still a very uncomfortable situation, and my stomach still turns a little when I think about it. But thank you all again! And sorry for the super long comment.
Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML
Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, a guy asked me to deep fry his salad. FML
spicybasement tells us more.
I said I'll check with my manager and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. We didn't end up making it but he had 4 orders of crispy chicken patties instead.
Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML
Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML
Today, my boss used Siri to settle a debate we were having in our team meeting. Siri responded by calling him "Daddy". FML
mags89 tells us more.
Today, my window broke and will not close. My room is in a wooded area. I've already chased out two squirrels and a bird and it's only been an hour. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up like Snow White with all sorts of wildlife sleeping with me. FML
alekoi tells us more.
alekoi 19
Op here, and you guys are hilarious! I diddnt think this would get published! Thought I'd do I follow up. My room isn't actually attached to the house and because my parents think its too hilarious they wont let me come in to the main house, and they won't help me fix it. Lol but I did try to cover it with a blanket, and of course it rained. So now I'm soaked because my bed is directly underneath but hey no more wildlife! I did try to refrain from singing, and kept away from apples so I think I'm safe! But seriously you guys are all hilarious, totally made my day!
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