Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML
Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML
Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML
Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML
Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML
Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the reason why he tickles me all the time is because tickling really turns him on, and my ticklishness is "so fucking sexy!" FML
Today, I realised I can tell which family member has just left the bathroom from the smell alone. FML
Today, I took my sister and her friend to the new swimming pool in our area. They wanted to go down one of the slides, so I went up with them. At the top of the stairs, my sister's friend kicked me in the balls and then pulled my trunks off. They pushed me down the slide naked. FML
Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML
Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML
Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say, "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML
Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML
Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML
Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML
Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML
Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML
Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML
Today, I met a close friend of my husband's for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage, and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML
Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML
Today, my group of friends officially cut ties with me. According to them, my girlfriend "has me whipped" and made me "boring", all because she helped me break free from my alcoholism and finally get sober (two years and eight months running). They told me to call them when I'm "ready to be fun again". FML
Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML
Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML
Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML
Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML
Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML
Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML
Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML
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