Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML
Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML
Today, after months of celibacy due to being utterly single in this pandemic, I finally got to look a man in the eyes while being deepthroated. Oh. I wasn't gagging on his penis, no no, it was on a Covid test swab. FML
kahaney tells us more.
kahaney 4
Hey, OP here! Hahaha ,fortunately I had the choice to get the nasal or the throat swab and I chose throat! No deep nasal ******* here!
Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML
Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss's wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men." I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML
Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML
Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML
Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML
Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML
Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, my husband was not in the mood for sex. He told me this while masturbating. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML
Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML
Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting, because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML
Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML
Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML
Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML
Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML
Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML
Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML
Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML
Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML
Today, while I was working in the drive-through at work, a lady was wearing kitchen oven-mitts and a snorkeling mask instead of gloves and a mask to pick up her prescription. FML
Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
