The Top

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Power move

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 22:02

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 1 823

DON'T MOVE!

By Miller_Time - 18/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 855

You deserved it 8 711

By Galaxy - 29/03/2014 17:03 - Belgium - Guigoven

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 7 322

By hikari_chan_xo - 28/03/2012 12:00 - United States - Auburn Hills

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 537

You deserved it 21 299

We meet again

By thammer - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended was the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 301

You deserved it 4 869

Freakout

By Brie - 29/05/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 018

You deserved it 11 779

To each their own

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 18:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 755

You deserved it 299

Mommy's favorite flower

By Ouch - 10/10/2019 02:00 - Serbia

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 284

By shouldagone2work - 24/09/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, while on my first day off in 2 years, I decided to play online poker. I won over $3,000. While filling out my information to get the money the power went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 083

You deserved it 4 739

By Jon - 23/05/2011 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 447

You deserved it 9 451

By Spatch - 24/09/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 272

You deserved it 3 280

By DanniRae - 13/03/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 338

You deserved it 70 752

By Mandy - 20/05/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 8 795

By Winx - 16/03/2012 07:13 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 366

You deserved it 11 722

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 542

You deserved it 4 235

His house, his asshole

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 14:01

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 132

By ealovan - 03/03/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 946

You deserved it 9 696

By sonwhy - 25/02/2014 00:51 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 681

You deserved it 7 274

By weak - 23/02/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 372

You deserved it 22 612

Dating is hell

By Th3BaconNinja - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a date with a girl at a fancy restaurant. In the middle of it she says, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." I watched her get up, walk over to the door, leave, get in her car, and drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 853

You deserved it 6 127

Golden shower

By Anonymous - 08/11/2019 03:00

Today, I had my first golden shower. Too bad it was from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 726

You deserved it 400

By Anonymous - 06/05/2011 18:09 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 708

You deserved it 52 168

Strong incel vibes

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 02:01

Today, I showed up to my Bumble date with a guy. He looked at me up and down and said, "You look different from the pictures. I pictured you more slimmer." To rub salt in the wound, he proclaimed, "I’d rather staple my nutsack than continue this date. Good luck to you," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 304

The wagon

By mhmm... cumsquats - 09/02/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 942

You deserved it 61 467

By 0ros - 12/09/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 816

You deserved it 4 386

Monster Munch

By Stupid_Chick - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 627

You deserved it 19 561

Creeped out

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 877

You deserved it 7 876

By areyouserious - 29/02/2012 10:36 - United States

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 562

You deserved it 37 302

Christmas shopping

By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 18:00

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 336

You deserved it 235

The old dog has learned new tricks

By Anonymous - 08/09/2022 10:00

Today, I had a threesome with my ex and his female friend. He went down on her almost immediately, which he never did in the 14 months that we dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 1 310

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 752

You deserved it 4 398

Today, I learned from my parents that admitting you're ignoring someone who is trying to give you genuinely helpful advice is not rude, but snapping at said person for ignoring you is in fact very rude. Narcissistic parents at their finest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 188

Today, my lazy, spoiled brat of a daughter screwed up her third job interview in the past month. She keeps self-sabotaging by asking the employers about the pay and benefits, and if she doesn’t like it, she walks out on them. Then she rants on how nobody wants to hire her. Gee, I wonder why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 2 107

Today, I spoke to my grandma on the phone. Two hours later, my cousin sends me a screenshot of my grandma inviting her and my sister out to lunch tomorrow. This is the fourth lunch in a row I have NOT been invited too. I don't know why she keeps doing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 135

Today, I finally felt brave enough to sing karaoke in public. I was halfway through the song when the restaurant’s power went out, leaving me singing my heart out in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 119

Today, I made a homemade face mask with turmeric, honey, lemon, and a few other organic ingredients. I let the mixture sit, then washed it off. It stained my face so bright yellow I look like I’m either suffering from a terrible case of jaundice or auditing for a live action Simpson’s movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 562