Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML
Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
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Top comments
igese 11
start jacking off next 2 her
Argumental_Rhino 8
You must be doing something wrong.
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Comments (201)
Skittlepickle 13
Don't take no for an answer.
Argumental_Rhino 8
You must be doing something wrong.
Skittlepickle 13
_
Skittlepickle 13
Never take no for an answer.
IphonFML 6
or he can't compete with her ***** :P
eeppiicc 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
What is she wasn't using a *****? Then he's really bad?
simonsaysYDI 8
Only thing he did wrong was ask =P. Just get in there next time OP!!
ALpein 0
Isn't that like... the definintion of rape...
chocol8m 6
I don't think it's rape if it's with his wife
FML_Master2133 6
They are married dumbass then it's mistreating her.
ALpein 0
Sooo... rape isn't rape if they're married?
EduJav321 24
Actually, 94, there IS such a thing as marital rape... But i think what we have here is a communication problem
TarieBoo 2
but honest ****** do so much now...my friend actually prefers them over guys sometimes._. guys need to step it up before didlos take over!!
boofgall 16
108- A tongue isn't battery operated man.
Drigr 9
There's just ways you can touch yourself that your partner wont be able to do.
Calyx_fml 22
I hate to tell you all but masturbation does not stop during a relationship. It is not a replacement for sex or something to do during the lack of sexual activity. It is a pleasure into itself. If she wants to wank then it's her prerogative. Maybe she'll want a **** later. OP is doing nothing wrong.
Blee864 16
Bahahaha
keenflow 2
108- Maybe if some girls werent so worn out they could get off with a guy. Not the guys fault.. If a guy is with a girl that is tight more than likely she will get off if he knows what he is doing. On the other hand if a girls ****** is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway I highly doubt she would get off on anything other than oversized *****. Get a grip lol literally.
dcg1375 7
Wow. 168 actually thinks a girl getting off has to do with how tight she is. There is so much more to a woman being able to ****** with her partner. It's not about tightness.
kyarush 10
Only in Louisiana...
niplipsip 9
168 - probably the most ignorant thing I've heard all day. thanks for this laugh.
GaleHawthorne 0
****** can do so much these days. They can spin, thrust, come in several colors, etc..
snivellus 6
168 um, most women tend to achieve orgasms through clitoral stimulating, not penetration. so it really doesn't matter about tightness. I hope you do some research before having sex, or you're gonna have some unsatisfied partners. also, even if the OP's wife was "loose" she doesn't have trouble getting a man because she's married to one who is obviously happy to have sex with her.
igese 11
start jacking off next 2 her
Grammar_Nazi_97 0
I don't think I need to point this "1" out
baddawg365 0
But make sure you look at her with a wide eyed unblinking stare. And when you finish scream "I WIN!!!!!!"
Cutieday101 0
Only makes sense to do so...........lol ;)
CaramelMacchiato 13
23 - like a boss.
unknown_user5566 27
17- If you want to claim the title of "Grammar Nazi", please use correct punctuation.
379_fml 11
Mutual ************ can lead to multiple rounds if sex after... If watching turns her on enough
unknown_user5566 27
111- Fair enough, grammar does not technically include punctuation. I suppose my line of thinking was that if you are going to claim to be a perfectionist of any sort, you should probably live up to the title.
JRockk 2
I think Grammar Nazi there does a fine job at being a grammar perfectionist so I think he/she does live up to his/her title.
emag_eht 18
115- By now I hope you've at least caught that he was making fun of the first comment that used "2" instead of the actual word.
ChickInGreenVans 12
Dude.. that is just weird!!
aylard 0
I love your picture.
zakkman 4
Well, he technically forgot the period at the end of his sentence.
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
152 it's actually quite enjoyable to watch your partner. You should try it.
hewro_failure 11
Punctuation is a part of grammar...
CorporalDunn 4
Is it really that hard to write the word 'to', you stupid cockhead?
jynx2501 3
Good advice, she obviously needs something to spice it up.
igese 11
what the hell is wrong with you?
HassanImran 0
Jealous?
SparkleyTurtle 4
Boss wife, you should learn from her: maybe then she'll want your pleasuring :)
PrimeEvilTahir 24
OP should sit there with a pen and paper in hand and start taking notes. Also he should not compromise on a concentrated stare and the timely 'hmm' and 'uhun'.
un0m3 14
Salty
SliceOfCake 9
I'd actually call her behavior spicy.
KrazieKleo 13
Paprika ;)
baddawg365 0
TABASCO!!!
TheMathMajor 26
Haha, condom...ents :P
CyborgBanana 12
Cake.
zachherbert 10
And just a pinch of marshmallows. Thus is the recipe for disaster
salsero85 3
The cake is a lie...
emag_eht 18
It's innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
ChickInGreenVans 12
Ahem..
patrickalamo 48
Just like laundry, it was a small load so she did it by hand.
Il_Maestro 6
My girlfriend is so sweet, she does all my laundry for me
baddawg365 0
Mine makes me sammiches
yuggi1 11
Bitch please! I do laundry, sammiches/sandwiches AND shave his back. Your girlfriends have nothing on me. ... ...Just putting it out there. :|
TarieBoo 2
102- ewwwwwww hairy back
ladyLALAA 29
102, firstly ew, secondly, try waxing so you don't have to do it so much. :)
ChickInGreenVans 12
102.. You really just put me off with the hairy back.. Gross
I_lost_the_game 25
Do you chew his food for him as well(?)
coldashell 23
You might need some help with pleasing your wife.
TheMathMajor 26
The Internet is your friend, OP :)
j_cat187 20
I shall be your sex mentor.
baddawg365 0
8- To bad he could not mimic your profile pic... The face not the animals....
ohSNAPyall 27
"Need a hand?" "Nah, I've got two."
beef25967 2
You could have just started rubbing one off next to her.
baddawg365 0
I have a feeling that I've seen something such as this quite recently.... Hmmmmm wonder why that is
baddawg365 0
I have a feeling that I've seen this quite recently.... Hmmmmm wonder why that is
emeraldisle 30
I'm sure she's just joking.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Well if she was, OP more than likely wouldn't have posted this.
blcksocks 19
I doubt if women make jokes when it's time to ******.
SarcasticUnicorn 9
Maybe she was almost getting there and didn't want to risk it.
Izabushel 65
Good point!