Today, I noticed that my dad's WhatsApp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML
Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML
Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML
SailorSolaris tells us more.
Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML
Today, Hurricane Ophelia hit. I had been meaning to fix my roof for a while but couldn't get around to it. My roof is now embedded in my car. FML
Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML
Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML
Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML
Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML
Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML
Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML
Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that same moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart loose, and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML
Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML
Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML
Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML
Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML
Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says, "You're a bitch." He's 6. After I asked him where he heard that word, he responded with, "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML
Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML
Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML
Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML
Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML
Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML
Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML
Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML
Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML
Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of one year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML
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