Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML
Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML
Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML
Today, we had cabbage. A lot of cabbage. The farts are so horrid I can barely stand myself. FML
Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML
Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML
Today, I let out the most vile, nose-melting dairy curdling fart of my life. The sound didn’t wake me up. But the nightmare I had from how rank smelling it was sure did. My own fart ruined my sleep. FML
Today, I was visiting friends in the country, and the property next to theirs has cows. Bored, I walked over to the fence and looked at a cow, who trundled over to the other side of the fence. I then saw the farmer staring at me and for some reason I said, "Just saying hi to your cow!" FML
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Top comments
WinterChild 20
The first person to come up with an air purifying butt plug is going to make millions.
TXfmylifer 10
I wouldn't worry OP, it's not like anyone can tell if your cows are "exceeding the limit" and then fine you or haul you off to jail.
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Comments (89)
captain_hero89 22
better break out the jars to collect them
deathrise007 22
California is a great state. But this...
acmariner99 25
CA is a great state to visit ... but to live or run a business not so much
WinterChild 20
The first person to come up with an air purifying butt plug is going to make millions.
SixthSinEnvy 39
*Billions
manofmerr 27
*Trillions
TheRealStunts 27
*gajillions
cats4lyfe 25
Money
NeatNit 33
*bankruptcy
kasuke06 5
First person to attempt to apply one is going to get a darwin award.
andrmac 25
Maybe more like a muffler that absorbs the emissions.
Mightytall 35
Only about 10% of the methane comes out the rear end. Much more from burps
vikky538 29
Or someone change the diet of cow
manofmerr 27
Amusingly (and amazingly), theres a type of seaweed that when added to the cows diet, can actually reduce their methane emissions by 90+ percent. It apparently interferes with the chemicals that produce methane while breaking stuff down. Isnt science amazing?
Sandsh8rk 36
Thanks, Obama.
rebeccac12 18
I know this was a joke, but it was Gov. Brown who wants to regulate how much cows fart. probably got tired of forgetting he ripped one and walked into it too many times.
chrisbeaudoin 26
Who ever said it, they are right, cow fart produces way more pollution than anybody notices.
NeatNit 33
Perhaps, but it's completely impossible to regulate. A farmer can't control their cows' farts. Edit: also, aren't cars much more polluting than cows?
justinb97 16
Yes
Mightytall 35
You can influence how much a cow farts or burps methane by diet. Actually counterintuitive, grass eating cows emit more harmful gases than cows being fed silage.
Razell 13
Yes, cows doing better on any food other than the one they were designed (or evolved, pace darwinists) to eat is certainly counter-intuitive.
RichardPencil 32
And you're going to miss the smell of cow farts in the morning?
AmericanBadAss 21
Methane gas in our atmosphere IS a serious problem. Passing laws limiting the gases from a cow's ass could be a good thing. Now if laws could be passed to filter the crap coming out of the mouths of the politicians, we'd be set.
Goblin182 27
And exactly how are they going to regulate this? Are they going to install fart meters on the cows ass and once he hits his limits they shut his ass?
zyero 9
It's good in theory, but it's currently impossible to control cow gas. At least without some horribly painful death from a prostate exam gone wrong. The difference between theory and oracticallity
beham 8
You must be a special kind of stupid huh?
gracehi 33
It's not even good in theory, if you ask me. Stupid idea no matter how you look at it.
PennyLane27 32
I came on here to make this exact comment! Methane is a way more powerful greenhouse gas than CO2. I'm rusty on the stats. But it's a legitimate problem, well studied, and unfortunately not well regulated.
david66_fml 20
How much gas can be affected and therefore changed by what they eat, to an extent. However, is it possible that this may be talking about for an entire farm/ranch, and that instead it could affect the number of cows they could have while staying under their total gas limit. So if the farmer/rancher could figure out how to have his cows produce less gas, he/she could have more cows.
wawa_sxm 15
Like most things they will take an average and limit the amount of cows you have....This is just my opinion not a fact...politicians can be so illogical sometimes you never know.....But this can be a good thing if all the stars align....we eat too much beef, we can limit the amount of cows, which will raise the price of meat. we will eat less meat be healthier and the farmer will make more money....Too bad that in reality things never work out like this and probably the big ones going profit and the small farmer will suffer
URBeingLied2 23
Yes. But none of this FML has anything to do with me. So your comment is inappropriate.
URBeingLied2 23
Responding to #18 in previous comment
trucker2 33
Faulty meters, made in China, or Taiwan.... Regulating USDA beef....wtf
fooltemptress 36
29 - Actually what's most likely going to happen is the dairy farmers and cattle ranchers will move to other states which have better prices on property and are more business/farmer friendly. It's sad how California continues to consistently force all business besides tourism out of the state. It leaves a lot of people trying to support families in part-time, minimum wage jobs.
BrotherPhil 35
Maybe they're trying to get businesses to do things better? Profits may be important, but you don't _actually_ have to be as bad as you can get away with. Quality and morals sell.
FalloutScrolls 25
California, everybody. Where logic goes to die.
sweetnotivn 4
Hey it's not our fault that you can smell cow farts in Baker from 10 miles away!
OSUBuckeyeChick 10
BC the state doesn't have anything better to worry about.
middlenamefrank 8
Actually, from what I've read, more methane comes out of the other end of the cow. Seriously. So you not only have to control cow farts, you have to control the burps too.
TXfmylifer 10
I wouldn't worry OP, it's not like anyone can tell if your cows are "exceeding the limit" and then fine you or haul you off to jail.
Razell 13
You say that now, but in the People's Democratic Republic of California, someone will find a way....
luther48 20
It's typically an outrageous tax based on heads of livestock. You have 150 cows, that's $2000/year because they cause global warming! #The Inconvenient Truth
PennyLane27 32
I don't know the specifics in this case. However, it would be possible to install additional air quality monitoring stations. (Besides the ones that already exist and monitor the concentration of specific pollutants). I also don't know how expensive that would be.
stormy0307 16
This is the same state that tried to pass a bill that demanded that every bullet made should have a unique serial number on it...