Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML
Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML
Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML
Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML
Today, I received two letters: an eviction notice and a Dear John. Neither went through the mail. FML
Today, I found out my father sleeps in the nude, when I rushed into my parents room at night to inform them there was a bat in the house. I’m traumatized. FML
Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML
Today, when my husband told me years ago he wanted to parent just like his dad used to, I had no idea that meant helping with practical stuff like cooking and nappy changing, but otherwise ignoring our kid's emotional well-being and telling them to buzz off when they try to talk to him. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML
Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML
Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML
Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
Today, I finally won an ongoing battle with my family to go to a restaurant I like, rather than a restaurant I hate with a passion. Now I'm throwing up, and my back is killing me. I'm the only one who got food poisoning. FML
Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML
Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML
Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML
Today, I was riding my bike on a sunny but windy afternoon. Coming up to an intersection, the wind switched directions and my wig blew off and landed in the middle of the road. At this point, I was almost at the other side but I had to turn around and grab my hair before the light turned green. FML
Today, a friend who works for the power company said, "Nuclear energy is clean and safe, hydro power is great, but we also need coal and gas, and wind and solar are dogshit." Again, he works for the power company. How does a so-called expert get it all so wrong? FML
Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML
Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML
Today, I found out my husband sent 3000 friend requests to random women on Facebook. He says it's no big deal and doesn't mean anything. FML
Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML
Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML
Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML
Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML
Today, my wife told my 7-year-old son that he looks just like me. He began crying and said, "I don't want to be ugly like him." FML
Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML
Today, my 8-year-old sister matter-of-factly said that she's going to get married before me if I don't stop wearing track pants. FML
Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML
Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
