The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house so that he could break up with me. I went out to my car to leave only to discover that all of the wheels had been stolen. Even the spare. I had to spend the rest of the day with my ex-boyfriend finding a way to get my car home. FML

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

It's PC gone mad

Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

What the frick?

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

Desperate housewife

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

Hott

Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door, I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it, so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably, shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML

Adding annoyance to almost injury

Today, while I was walking to my car, I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

How romantic, Honey!

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

It's sus to us

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

In the midst of life we are in debt

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriend's recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

Today, I filed a client's tax return. His refunds alone were more than my gross annual salary. FML

Keep quiet

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

Bad omen

Today, I was getting ready for a party when I accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML

Today, I found out that I am "un-promotable" to the job that I have been promised for the last two years because, I "don't suffer idiots well." Idiots. FML