Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML
Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML
Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML
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Top comments
FMLKitten 15
That's such a turnoff.
tjsc831 0
Pretend to shit or lose your dick? Think u made a good choice
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Comments (57)
FMLKitten 15
That's such a turnoff.
lopsop 12
Well maybe op's girlfriend is into that type of stuff
Naomimi_fml 6
I agree with 1- I need a man with a properly functioning colon. gets me going.
gc327072 31
What's with all the posts about havin sex when family's around?! Is that what gets people goin these days???
FMLKitten 15
It's provocative... Where is Squeaky?!
305Miami 0
Why would you have sex in the house with her father around? I dont think that is ever Ok
sidewaysponytail 0
Sound like he's got himself in a shitty situation...........no? Ok:(
Marcella1016 32
Is no one else wondering whether they dropped things into the toilet to make little "plop" sounds for added effect?
aksweetheart 7
^OBVIOUSLY not. He is supposed to be constipated! Haha
IscoreOnU 19
Actually 26 it can create the thrill of getting caught. Which if you have ever been in the situation can be a hugeeee turn on
kyarush 10
His sexual experience has been... Backed up? Zing.
Inheritance 10
DocBastard could give us some intake on this situation. But YDI OP
FMLKitten 15
I don't think anyone understood what I was getting at when I asked where squeaky was.... I'm referring to the FML were me, squeaky, and other FMLers had wrote the lyrics to "Niggas in Paris". As everyone who commented before me wrote something along the lines of "gets them people goin". Just wanted to clear that up.
FMLKitten 15
91- I'm just going to assume some were confused as it was kind of random.... Oh well just forget it, I'm an idiot anywaysss
TehKritter 1
26- it's not that it gets people going (but in todays society I wouldn't doubt it). But there are situations that warrant/deem/require/ask for/ beg to be used to get your groove thing on regardless of who is there. I bet YOUR parents did it too. Ba zing
hiitisbrooke 28
79- It's not thumbed down because we don't get it. It's thumbed down because it's not funny.
barcobabe 0
Well that killed the mood
flamegrilled123 3
Unless she likes that kind of stuff
LegraMR 1
But this is the smartest solution I've heard of to not getting caught. It was stupid to do it with family around in the first place, but kudos for getting pulling it off without being banned from her house.
MrSnoopyJ 1
Well that must have been shitty.
FMLKitten 15
I don't even....
NashyzzleTheN 10
I've probably seen that pun 5 times today.
mfischer 17
29 - Why have you been in five situations that make that pun applicable in one day?
tressie_fml 6
You should win an award for originality.
NashyzzleTheN 10
55- ok maybe i was exaggerating...but I do see that pun way too much!
bRower 3
Damn misread the comment. I automatically misread it as a 'shitty situation' post haha.
sarahlouise0506 10
Hopefully he left quite quickly after this!
onlychildFTW 34
People shouldn't have sex with parents in the house. Saves a lot of trouble.
bizarre_ftw 22
I completely misread that ^ the first time and nearly jumped at the mental picture it gave me Please please Please! Change the word "with" to "while there are"
capslockisgood 19
But then we wouldn't be able to read the stories and laugh at people.
onlychildFTW 34
To late to edit. Sorry. :D
dankpotatoes 2
I bet she thought that was hot.
NeDaroft 5
What is wrong with you?
SnowFlakeInAK 7
56 she is a dank potato. That's what is wrong with her, she needs a good scrubbing with a stiff vegetable brush.
kjklopu 1
LOLOLOLOL
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
56- Clearly, you don't understand sarcasm.
dankpotatoes 2
Sarcasm dumbasses.
IPoopedOnU 12
No one gets its sarcasm??
tjsc831 0
Pretend to shit or lose your dick? Think u made a good choice
COOL__Coal 12
Why would anyone want to have sex with other people in the house anyways?
starsfan_9 7
32 - because it's sex
holyballs89 3
Dude that sucks. Killed the mood man.
Tempest559 12
So you're the screamer in the relationship?
SystemofaBlink41 27
A weird screamer while your at it.... I mean who screams like: HNGGGHNN! UNGGGHHN!
senor_awesome 14
43-Arnold shwarzenegger. idk if I spelled that right
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I love how the comment above this one has Scream for the default.
LoveGuru69 0
you should have dirty sanchez'd it. it wouldnt kill the mood and you still would be making shit noises
fukmefreddy 4
should've asked her for a blumpkin. then there would've been no faking in your constipation noises :)