Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Hot and heavy
Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML
Phoney sex
Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Oh yeah?
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Saucy talk
Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
So hott
Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML
Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML
Top comments
Monjara 4
Lmao he's jealous of a vibrator.
llamafish 25
I hope you used protection. Wouldn't want to get hearing AIDS ;)
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Comments (230)
squid_board 8
Dam harsh lol
RandomNchic 1
Maybe he's just a little self conscious about his performance OP ... maybe he feels uu like the vibrator more than him
AwkwardPartyBear 24
The vibrator must one hell of a competition
Isoldael 27
56 - I agree, however, if the boyfriend in the scenario you mentioned would think for a moment, he'd realize that having phone sex without being vocal kinda beats the point. I mean... If both sides are quiet you might as well hang up :p.
happle 21
56-I'd thumb you up but your comment is to big for my phone.
iLickRainbows 2
71- That's what he said.
Callmemaybe1234 3
Thats not how you spell damn thats how :)
shayshayshazam 14
I literally could never be with a guy that's not ok with his girl using a vib haha.
muFilter 19
71, I've run into this before. Just be sure to take things slowly. There is no substitute for adequate foreplay and plenty of lube. With a truly caring partner who's willing to take the right steps for your comfort and enjoyment, your phone will likely be able to accommodate pretty much any size comment. Derp. Didn't see 83.
SpicyDuck 22
Become super jealous of his hand.
Ray_of_midnight 23
There are a lot of lesbian-identified women who also prefer nonrepresentational toys for reasons I trust are obvious. At least one major internet toy vendor has them separated into "representational" and "nonrepresentational".
IphonFML 6
I don't get it.... Like whats the pleasure in phone sex? :S it's so stupid
TaysDarkLust 11
@#127, The phone sex is if you are away for each other and want each other, In a long-distance relationship, a way to keep close if drifting apart during a time when they're not together. etc People claim it feels better with someone listening/watching/whatever..
Daederoth 10
He might be retarded, you should get him checked. Or, better yet, get a new one.
kyarush 10
Maybe you should just throw away the vibrator and let your man focus on pleasing you? My woman doesn't need a vibrator!
gun6slinger9 9
103 - Well keep looking cus with a face like that you don't really have the choice of being picky. Nomsayin
ssnowywinter 0
175, with an attitude like that you can't be picky either.
lebronesque73091 12
Lol, I'd be mad too. How can you compete with a vibrator, haha
sleepingparrot 7
175- Wow. Then you best be completely desperate because with a personality like yours, you have even less choice. Nomsayin?
gun6slinger9 9
180, 200 - Here come the white knights to the rescue. Good luck with your forever alone goals of 2012.
gun6slinger9 9
180, 200 - Here come the white knights to the rescue. Good luck with your forever alone goals of 2012.
Monjara 4
Lmao he's jealous of a vibrator.
olpally 33
That's pathetic that he is jealous of a vibrator, Lol... He's just like the one boyfriend who called his girlfriend a selfish bitch for not putting the cat away when the cat meowed... lmao, fyl op, just finish! :D
ICastillo 25
Dude maybe it's one of those huge ass ones, Like the size of an arm, those are a little intimidating haha
yankfan89 27
Well maybe the vibrator can actually make OP ****** and her boyfriend can't.
siickman 7
87- i dont think he knew what the vibrator looked like unless OP explained that as well which i highly doubt. Anyways, thats some crazy ass **** you are watching if the ****** the size of your arm. :x
ICastillo 25
Come on man you never accidentally got taken to the dark side of ****!!!!
wittygirl 8
Get your man's Wong casted and have a ***** replica xD that way he can't get jealous. Well I think it work -stares-
onlychildFTW 34
He's jealous because it does a better job in her then he does. Haha.
uJelly24 1
Maybe he was just sick of hearing shit about her vibrator?did you think of the possibility that it didn't really turn him on?
Dojan 16
147 - "Babe, I don't know, but all this talk about your vibrator ruins the mood for me." One sentence would have fixed it, he didn't need to be that harsh.
DomDomxoxo 16
Men get super-jealous about vibrators.
DocBastard 40
Insecure, stupid men* Fixed that for you. You're welcome.
booee1985 1
Not real men they know a vibrater ant got shut on the real thing sound to me like he is small lol
CaramelMacchiato 13
This is hilarious. But; boyfriends come and go, but a vibrator will always be there for you.
Guren 0
Of course the doc had to say something about it, but in their defense they feel that they cannot keep up with a vibrator. As a matter of fact vibrators are meant to out last and perform similar to comparing an assembly line worker and an assembly machine. It's meant to do the job better so as a man he/they feel "out shined" because of it. A feeling of replacement. And by the way prolonged exposure (every day/other day) to a vibrator can make the ****** dull to the sense of a penis because it is used to a vibrator.
CaramelMacchiato 13
^ But it's JUST a vibrator; end of story! OP's boyfriend is acting as if it's going to replace him. She can't kiss, cuddle, or have s-- well, she could, but that'd just be weird. Whatever, OP's boyfriend is just overreacting, lol :}D
DocBastard 40
Guren - What the hell are you talking about? We feel that we can't keep up?? Meant to outlast? What the **** are you smoking? A vibrator is in no way meant to do a "better job" than a man. They are completely different. Can a vibrator kiss a woman? Can it whisper in her ear? Can it lick, nibble, suck, tease, or caress? No, no, no, no, and no. No real man is threatened by a vibrator, just like women shouldn't be threatened by a man's hand. A real man uses it during sex to elevate the experience for her.
MuchDance90s 0
amen doc!!!
NissanDriftKing 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
A real man wouldnt need to use it. Sounds like youve done this before which is by all means good for you, if not then you sound small then. Haha
DocBastard 40
It isn't about NEEDING to use it, you clueless ******* jackass. It's about maximising someone else's pleasure, something I'm sure you know nothing about. Can your penis vibrate? No. It's an entirely different sensation, and when you ADD it to sex, it can make it explosive. Real men CHOOSE to use it because most women enjoy it. Real men don't think they and their dicks are god's gift to women like you apparently do. Moron.
spekledworf 18
I don't think all men would be jealous. My ex liked to use the vibrator on me during foreplay. It can be a useful tool if your partner knows how to use it
DomDomxoxo 16
I completely agree with you doc. Amen.
thatoneguy79 10
86 - Actually, real men do use vibrators. Real men understand good sex is more than inserting penis A into ****** B and rocking back and forth for 27 seconds. Real men understand the value of the tools available to assist them in providing pleasure to their partner. Insecure, stupid men think all they need is a dick and 30 seconds.
The_Hitdude 12
105- You basically just paraphrased exactly what Doc said. You must've seen Doc's comment, because a.) he replied right under 86 and b.) he replied almost an hour before you did. Not trying to troll, just curious: Were you going for something different? Or were you just wingin' it?
JayBear14 11
As a girl I really have to say that for me a vibrator really is just an add on. The ****** feels great don't get me wrong, but then having sex after using the vibrator is ten times better. The guy is definitely needed in that equation though. It's the vibrator that can be left out when using other techniques.
FlutterShyy 0
58- as long as we have batteries they please us more then a 2 pump chump like you ever could
fenixtorador1 11
It's for good reason though lol no matter how hard I try.. I can't make my penis vibrate. Maybe buzz after a few pots of coffee, but yeah .. Lol
kira_the_boss 1
Maybe he's just jealous because he didn't get to use it too.
hitman_mata 2
Thats good to know
lebronesque73091 12
75- I've never had the FML happen to me before, making me not have an opinion on it. But after reading that, I can agree 100% with you.
FranzFerdinand 18
122: I'm loving the two-pump chump thing- never heard it before, hahaha. (;
NoseToNose 13
That has not been my personal experience, not sure with other men. What is there to be jealous for?
llamafish 25
I hope you used protection. Wouldn't want to get hearing AIDS ;)
Michele2luv 8
People are thumbing you down but I thought that was pretty funny :D
SkoomaKi 28
It is funny, I want positive thumbs for you llama :) Here's a thumb up from me.
WhyAmUHere 19
Ah, Cyanide and Happiness.
KnightAngela1109 10
If we could we would......
Doxy 22
And if they cleaned, washed the dishes and cooked they would be priceless.
EyesofStone 27
Men don't really do that either, so...
berichsoon 11
5) I don't think anything would replace having a real relationship even if the vibrator would talk to you
jonjak 7
Sorry 49 I don't agree Some men are assholes.
berichsoon 11
You re right some men, not all of us. Just like some women are .......
PaigeyTaylor 2
Agreed^^ xD
jonjak 7
To be honest once we see 2 or 3 guys that we deal with, and they decide to be an asshole we just get the same idea with the rest of them. You can't really find a good man now adays, they are one in a million...
twisted_cherub 14
It's a vicious cycle, really. Nice guy dates bitch. She mistreats and dumps him, leaving an asshole. Newly reborn asshole dates nice girl, treats her like crap, dumps her and leaves a newly reborn bitch. We do it to each other.
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
Maybe he had a bad experience with a vibrator as a child... D: I feel his pain. *shudders*
Niniix3 0
Lmmfaooo
lopsop 12
Oh god not the noise again. It makes my privates hurt!
IsisChaos 1
Hahaa why did this get so many low ratings??? xD
vampgirl4life 3
damn
FMLshark 12
I sense a bit of jealousy. If he gets jealous of a vibrator...
Michele2luv 8
. . . it must be a rabbit ;)
SkoomaKi 28
It's fair enough to be jealous of other men, but a plastic piece of kit? He must think that vibrator pleasures you more than he does.
Nevereverland 8
Maybe he's mad cause shes hogging it , just imagine them in bed and hes not getting any.
FlutterShyy 0
Find a man not a boy
lolmandi 9
Agree