Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML
Today, my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML
Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML
Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML
Today, my dad tried to convince my mother to stay with him. "Think of all the great times we've had," he said and started naming off quite a few. Too bad none of them were about the three kids they had together, all were vacations. FML
Mers tells us more.
Well, after my parents got married, my dad's dad convinced my dad that my mom was a gold digger and so they divorced when I was one year old and had my brothers three years later. They've lived together the past 16 years as a divorced couple and have fought constantly. My dad forced my mom to go thousands of dollars into debt because he wouldn't give her any money for a year. During that time my mom couldn't get a job anywhere and she had to buy groceries for us three and her two kids from before the failed marriage. My brothers and I live with my mom now and it's much better without him trying to control us.
Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML
Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML
Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML
Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML
Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML
Today, I finally got a good seat on a plane. I don't know what the man next to me had eaten, but I was trapped for two hours next to him as he let out silent, deadly egg farts the entire trip. There was nowhere to escape. FML
AwkwardFireFly tells us more.
OP here! Just had to clarify - the seat was a free upgrade due to problems with the previous flight I was supposed to get. Comfortable roomy upgrade. I feel bad if it was a medical issue and did my best not to let it show on my face - however that was not a fun smell for two hours :(
Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML
Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML
Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML
Today, for the fifth time since my parents got divorced, my father has decided he doesn't want to pick me up for his weekend because I'm "too responsible to have fun with." FML
Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML
Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML
Today, I ran for the first time in ages when I saw my bus coming. My loose shoe went flying into a shop doorway, and I tripped into the gutter. FML
Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML
Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML
Today, I finally met the cute guy that I've been talking to for the last 3 weeks. Turns out "5'8"" was a really big exaggeration for "5"3' in boots'. FML
SunDown2015 tells us more.
SunDown2015 26
I'm the OP. So, let's be clear: I'm "5'6" and height isn't a big deal for me. What was important to me was that he lied. He also showed up to our meeting stoned off his ass, and then proceeded to throw a muddy basketball at me (which got all over my new shirt). Definitely not Prince Charming. I got out of there ASAP! I guess online dating just isn't my cup of tea. Thanks for the FML though! :)
Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML
Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML
Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML
Today, while at a party, I ran into the girl I've liked for ages. I was so nervous, but I managed to keep the conversation going for a half hour. After mustering up the courage to ask her out on a date, her drunk, over-protective ex burst in and threw up on my shirt. Good timing, asswipe. FML
Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML
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