Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML
Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML
Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML
Today, I woke up while staying at my friend's house. I saw the bathroom light on, so for a laugh, I got up and quietly pennied the door. After laughing at him struggling to open the door, I decided to let him out. Turned out it wasn't my friend in there; it was his dad. FML
PikidiliJo tells us more.
PikidiliJo 12
It was actually in the morning. I woke up and the bathroom light was on.
Today, someone finally got the guts to punch my extremely rude mother in the face. My wife. FML
badbitch23 tells us more.
badbitch23 15
Op here, okay my wife's mother died 2 weeks beforehand and my mom thought it would be funny to make a joke out of it. So yes the punch was for sure justified. I haven't spoke to my mom since and I'm happily married with my wife.
Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML
Today, the man I have been in love with for years came to me with a beautiful ring and a heartfelt proposal. Too bad it ended with an eager, "So do you think he'll say yes?" FML
rabidfairy tells us more.
yes, you are correct. we've been friends since childhood and I've always known he was gay. just my luck that my heart would have none of it :/
Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile, I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML
Today, while working alone, I decided to just try some random impressions, and so I ended up doing a French accent when a customer walked in. To avoid embarrassment, I had to continue faking the accent as he struck up a long conversation with me. FML
Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year-old girl. I work at a library, and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it's happened. FML
Today, after missing my flight and being stuck on the other side of the globe, I received a call telling me that the "male, neutered" kitten I adopted 7 months ago is now pregnant. FML
Xtrafresh tells us more.
Oh hi, OP here with much desired answers its seems. I adopted the cat from the local vet/asylum. They gave it to me as male and neutered. Even in the store I spotted it was most probably a she, but I didn't want to make a fuss and didn't care. I named her Violet, and she has a little brother named Dash. Kudos to whomever gets the reference. The big surprise for me was that not only did the vet **** up the gender, they also got the neutered part wrong.
Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML
Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML
Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML
Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out I'd grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML
Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML
Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML
Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML
Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML
Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML
Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML
Today, my brother got upset at his video game and flung his DS at the wall, just as I was walking by. I got knocked out to the sound of someone crossing the finish line in MarioKart. FML
Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML
jellenwood tells us more.
OP here! So, this was several years ago. Apparently his family didn't want want him to marry me and never wanted him to divorce his first wife. His father is the one who performed the wedding. He called me the wrong name several times during the ceremony. I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. Friends later tell me it wasn't just his mother that was laughing but many members of his family but I just couldn't hear them. H
Today, I now need to include in my prerequisites for a potential date, "Must not pull a knife out on one of my guy friends for hugging me." I'm so done with online dating. FML
MG73 tells us more.
OP here. For some clarification, it was only our second time hanging out. I did introduce him to my guy friend so he wouldn't feel insecure. We were all leaving, I hugged my friend bye since to me, that is just a casual thing, and he went crazy. I'm just glad I found out what he's like early on.
Today, at work, there is a rumor going around that I'm gay. Somewhat curious at how did this start, I asked a co-worker. He said I was seen 3 days ago at a mall holding hands with someone who looks like a guy from behind. Three days ago, I was at the mall with my girlfriend. FML
luckiXiii tells us more.
OP here, going to try and clarify all misunderstanding. #1: i'm a 100% heterosexual male! #2: my girlfriend is pretty and i love her for all she's worth. #3: i'm well known in my circle of friends and their families, so they can tell it's me even from behind. #4: the reason why my girlfriend was mistaken for a guy, was probably because she had short hair, and she was wearing my baggy jacket which i let her borrow because she was cold that day. And I took some of the advice from people here and brought her to work! Showed those people a thing or two! Haha!
Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML
Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML
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