Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML
Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I'd first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I'd decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML
Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML
Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "Me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML
Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML
Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit card. FML
Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML
Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML
Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML
Today, I signed into my online class, got bored, and took off my headphones to argue with my roommates about anal sex. At the end of the argument, I put my headphones back on to hear my professor asking if someone could call me to tell me to turn my damn mic off. FML
EvilBubbles tells us more.
Lol guys! This is my post and the anal sex argument was on and off all day. My laptop did an automatic audio test without my permission haha the whole class laughed about it today, all good.
Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML
Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML
Today, my fiancé finally went to a therapy session with me because of the difficult circumstances we are facing. Afterwards, he shouted at me for "talking to someone about our problems". I told him that's kind of the point of therapy. Now he's sulking. FML
onyinye tells us more.
onyinye 4
hey guys, OP here. We have been together for several years now and we've been through a lot. I'd say we have grown together and our relationship is great in general. However, a lot of bad stuff has happened in the past (I got raped and he kinda blames himself for not being there for me and protecting me at that time, which he couldn't, because he got falsely accused of dealing drugs and was behind bars for a couple of months until they let him go). About the marrying stuff, we are still engaged and want to get married in the future, but considering the circumstances we have decided to wait for things to settle before actually setting a date and going through with it. I think the reason why he got angry is that he usually sees himself as "the strong man" and the protector and while he is comfortable talking to me alone, he felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of a stranger.
Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML
Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML
Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML
Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML
Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML
Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML
Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML
Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML
Today, my internet was out and wasn't due to be fixed until at least Tuesday. I'm a grad student with a lot of online research to do and deadlines to meet, so I desperately bought an expensive and non-returnable portable wifi hub. An hour ago, the internet came back on. FML
WiFucked tells us more.
WiFucked 4
Hello everyone, OP here. I'm surprised this made it in! The main problem with the internet going down when it did was that the library has very limited hours during Easter break and, also due to the holiday, my department and almost all university facilities are closed, which is where I would normally go to get internet if I couldn't have it at home. I also 'could' get free wifi in places like cafes, but often cannot get any meaningful work done in public places where people are being loud and I don't have room for my books, notebooks, etc. I also thought it would be worth it to be able to work at home since I am a night owl and do most of my best work in the evenings, when most places where I could get free wifi would be closed. In addition, the day I submitted the FML wasn't the first day the internet had been out, and I had been having trouble finding a peaceful place to work while being repeatedly told that Tuesday was the earliest I could expect to get regular internet back. It was also a bigger problem because I live in university housing (college) and the internet was out in my entire college AND in the one next to mine, so I figured that I wouldn't be the only one to use the wireless thing (as we all have deadlines to meet and I wasn't the only one upset about this) and the others could chip in for the cost. I wouldn't even have minded shouldering the cost myself if I was actually going to get some use out of the thing because it would have been worth it to be able to work at home, or at least in a more comfortable location than a fast food restaurant or Starbucks. I just thought it was irritating (and funny at my own expense) that the internet picked both the worst time to go out AND to come back on. Since it seemed like a belated and very elaborate April Fool's joke on me, I decided to make something good of it and send it in to FML. By the way, I don't THINK I can return the thing, but I'll be going back in to the shop to check on that on Tuesday, and, if not, as others have said I can always get use out of it while travelling, or if the internet goes out again, which it has before (not at any particularly crucial times before this though). At the very least, now I have a funny story to tell.
Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML
Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part? He was by himself. FML
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