Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML
Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving her boyfriend's nuts. Apparently, he'd snuck in through her window. FML
Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML
Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML
Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML
Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said, "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said, "No, seriously." FML
Today, I saw the script for the end of year assembly skit I'm forced to participate in. Looks like on my last day of high school, I'll be running around in a rainbow unicorn costume in front of my entire high school and their parents. FML
Banana_Lord tells us more.
Hi, OP here. I guess I should explain this a little better. On the last day of school, we have a big awards assembly and then hand out yearbooks at the end. Our yearbooks always have a theme and the people in charge do a little skit at the end of the assembly. Our theme this year is fairy tales, thus the unicorn costume (our mascot isn't a rainbow unicorn lol). I'm editor in chief so I can't just back out, and the other people involved are really excited about the skit, so I'd hurt their feelings if I told them how stupid I think it is. I ended up trying to get out of it by telling them I couldn't make it to the rehearsal, but they just switched my part to the narrator. Not quite what I was hoping for, but at least I don't have to do anything embarrassing. You guys' comments made me laugh, and for all the people who said they would love to dress up as a unicorn, to each their own I guess!
Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML
Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML
Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, I'd be spending it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML
Today, after we got home from the doctor's office, my mom checked the voicemail. Loud and clear, we both heard my boyfriend's break-up message. My parents had already forbidden me from dating. FML
Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying, "It's for my acne." FML
Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML
Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML
Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4 a.m. to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML
Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML
Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML
Today, my OCD has got so bad that I took over 10 pictures of my house's power outlets before leaving, just so I could view them later to reassure myself that no appliances were plugged in. FML
Jen_NM tells us more.
Jen_NM 8
Thanks for all the comments, I've enjoyed reading them. Just for a little background, my biggest issue is my hair straightener. Years ago I left it unplugged and caused a burn to the countertop. Since then I obsessively check to make sure it's off, and now other things make me paranoid as well. OCD behaviors are strange, because you often know that you're being completely irrational. Anyhow, I'm really trying to ease up and lately I've managed to get by with just the one picture to reassure myself that the straightening iron is unplugged. I do plan to get help if it progresses, but can't really afford it at this time.
Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML
Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML
Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML
Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML
Today, I realized I pay $160/month to get two texts a day. One from my bank telling me how much I have, one for my credit card telling me how much I owe. FML
BeautifulChaos27 tells us more.
Okay, first off, I am a women. As for the fml, I was complaining that I pay such a high price to get those two texts a day and the occasional phone call from my employer to cover a shift. Expensive paper weight is what it is and I'm stuck in a contract. With the debate on price, yes, very expensive. I get unlimited text as well as calling (god knows what for), and 1 gig of data which I never use up since I'm almost always in wifi. I do in fact have somebody on my plan with me but that only adds another 10 dollars a month to my bill. There's also insurance on both phones, considering they are smart phones and I'm a bit of a klutz. I know I could always shop around with other phone competitors but living where I do if you so much as want service in your home you have little choice. Any more questions? :P
Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML
Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML
Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML
Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML
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