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By Anonymous - 26/04/2011 07:49 - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 895

You deserved it 3 748

By Notthatone - 21/04/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 524

You deserved it 4 043

By Mofisto - 15/02/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 257

You deserved it 89 049

By emirie - 14/11/2013 21:33 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 774

You deserved it 4 136

emirie tells us more.

emirie 21

Friday 15 November 2013 3:38

So just to clear things up, my sister isn't super crazy, although I was naturally alarmed. She's a little weird and creepy, and has no filter. Also, this happened a while ago (I had to say today, obviously), it just popped in my head the other day when the same sister told me she's pregnant. She has babysat, and has a step son as well.

By Romantic - 15/01/2010 08:33 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 227

You deserved it 4 163

By Anonymous - 27/08/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument, which resulted in her begging for a divorce, and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 887

You deserved it 2 486

By ouch - 12/07/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 200

You deserved it 4 764

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 62

One happy family

By Anonymous - 15/07/2012 19:09 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 530

You deserved it 3 520

By Anon - 29/09/2015 03:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 108

You deserved it 9 062

By Thai that on for size - 25/09/2015 19:56 - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 461

You deserved it 2 686

By TKDConnor92 - 22/07/2011 10:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year-old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 690

You deserved it 6 745

That's you that is

By K.H - 26/10/2009 16:42 - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 412

You deserved it 6 049

By dontgothere - 23/02/2014 04:40 - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 577

You deserved it 6 727

By CUCKOO - 26/10/2013 21:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 394

You deserved it 5 056

By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 860

You deserved it 3 379

By kdeeeceee - 05/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 421

You deserved it 50 127

By Trimacle - 24/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 595

You deserved it 15 834

By akieferr - 03/09/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 812

You deserved it 14 797

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 16:11 - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 009

You deserved it 6 856

Make it stop

By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 416

You deserved it 5 766

By Monsieur-Madame - 31/05/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 727

You deserved it 3 198

Treat yourself

By dll - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 376

You deserved it 9 137

By Anonymous - 06/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I noticed a short, black hair on my loofah. I ignored it and lathered up my entire body with it. When I put it back down, a roach crawled out of it. What I thought was a black hair was in fact its antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 797

You deserved it 8 946

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 04:43 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 196

You deserved it 9 081

By Anonymous - 01/02/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, I was playing rugby. I was tackled very hard at the end of a play, and I got up to find my head bleeding profusely. Not one person offered to drive me to the ER. I had to drive myself to get six stitches in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 979

You deserved it 3 684

By Darla - 05/10/2012 08:14 - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 761

You deserved it 12 964

By lonely one - 14/09/2012 10:17 - United States

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 731

You deserved it 2 027

By OhBoy - 05/08/2013 19:10 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 131

You deserved it 5 278

By unfucked - 26/08/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 015

You deserved it 13 784

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The Top

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked, "Women's weights room." Oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 974

You deserved it 27 126

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 289

You deserved it 4 542

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 455

You deserved it 3 434

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 136

Today, the TV was blaring, the kids were yelling, and my wife was blabbering on in my ear. Overwhelmed, I shouted, "EVERYONE QUIET!" I got a second of blessed silence before my kids started screaming and crying, and my wife threw a tantrum, saying, "I married a psycho!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 462

Today, I woke up with a huge boner. My girlfriend saw it, rolled her eyes and said, "Not a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 108