Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML
Today, I took a nap while babysitting my neighbor's kids for the day. I was woken up by an obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair stuck down in his shorts, jumping around like a horse. Oh, and a semi-bald patch on the back of my head. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML
Today, I arrived in Africa to start my new job. I agreed to come to a city with little to no electricity, and poor water for triple the money I was making in Canada. I just realized my boss and I negotiated in two completely different currencies, and I'm now making half of what I used to. FML
Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML
Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML
Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML
Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, my mom called to bestow upon me warm holiday pearls of wisdom: "I hope you aren't giving everyone your natural handmade eco-shit again. Gifts should be returnable. And have a price." FML
MymB612 tells us more.
MymB612 14
I didn't realize I wasn't signed in when I posted that one. It's cool that got published! I love making handmade gifts, I think it's so much more personal and intimate to make something for someone that you know they'll appreciate. And by the way, to the meanies, I am indeed broke right now but that wasn't why I made handmade presents (I was very comfortable financially last year and made homemade stuff anyway, it's about the time and effort I choose to put into them, not their monetary value). Also, I am not trying to push my views on anyone, except maybe the belief that the more time and effort you put into something, the more it's worth. I'm an atheist lesbian by the way, and I still spent a month making gifts for a holiday I don't even believe in for my mostly uber-religious homophobic family, just because I know it would make them happy. So don't tell me about pushing my views on anyone, I respect their freedom of opinion just as I expect them to respect mine (not an easy feat in Lebanon, but I digress). Also, no, I am not making them home-made manure or a frame with some stickers on. I made them balms and lotions, personalized to their needs. Odorless moisturizing cream for my pregnant cousin. Natural heating pad for my grandma with arthiritis. Shaving cream for my uncle who has super sensitive skin. Foot scrub for my brother who spends his work hours on his feet. Healing balm for cuts and burns for my cousin who spends his weekends camping and hiking. Stuff like that. About my mom, the reason she gave me that ill-worded comment is because last year I had knitted a hat for my grandma, which turned out to be too small for her head (I had miscalculated), and also I had made a scented cooling pad that leaked a few days later, so she insisted that had I bought store-bought items there would be no problem. Yeah, she's like that. But hey, I understand this particular holiday is supposed to be about forgiveness, is it not? So I dealt with her as follows: I made her a gift anyway (Topical pain-relief cream for her sore muscles, she had a surgery last year and the muscles on her back hurt in the cold) but I didn't put it under the tree with the rest of the presents. She seemed so vexed and saddened. I went and talked to her and told her that I chose not to give her a present, since she doesn't appreciate the time and thought I put into them (and money, materials, hello). She apologized for her comment and said I was right and she was being mean because she had a very tough day and lashed out at me. Then she told me my presents for everyone were awesome, and I gave her hers. Made her doubly smile! So, all is well that ends well I suppose. I made sure she knew that she hurt my feelings, and got aknowledgment and an apology. What more can I ask for? Wow this post turned out huge, sorry for the eyesore :P Thank for the hilarious comments and warm support. Made me glad to feel that people still remember what they are celebrating, and appreciate the thought behind gifts more than their monetary value. Oh and for the couple of Lebanese peeps I saw in the comments, yen3ad 3laykon w 3a 3yelkon bel kheir :)
Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML
Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML
Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML
Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML
Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML
Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML
Today, I had to take a splinter out of my eight year old son's penis. FML
TCRII tells us more.
Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML
Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML
Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML
Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML
Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages, she said, "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said, "But it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML
Today, my live-in girlfriend and I broke up. She told me she can't leave because she has nowhere to go. I'm stuck with her until she finds a job and an apartment. FML
skizpow7 tells us more.
skizpow7 0
It is my apartment, and we broke up mutually. she moved here from 50 miles away to live here and we'd been together two years. we just recently figured out that our relationship was great... right up until she moved in. we simply can't live together. and I'm not gonna kick her out, totally rude. she gave up her life in her town to come live here, I don't expect her to be able to up and leave. she's only been here a month and doesn't know anyone close and her parents live 4 states away. it'll just be super awkward. FML
Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML
Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend advice on apartment hunting - as we were planning to move in with each other. He told me that there is no way he can afford to move out of his parents' house anytime soon. He can, however, afford a collection of belt-fed automatic nerf guns. FML
expertdoubleex tells us more.
Allo Trollsters. This is the silly girl who posted the FML. A few disclaimers: 1) Rent is cheaper here than you are thinking. My last place here ran under $500, utilities included. If we split the cost, we aren't looking at massive expenses. 2) He is 25 years old, he lives at his parents' for free, he has a job AND THEY GIVE HIM AN ALLOWANCE. Oh, yeah, and they pay his bills for him. 3) Yes, he acquired all the nerf guns at once, within the past week. 4) I don't have a problem with his hobby. Boys will be boys, and I kinda have a thing for nerds. I do, however, have a problem with the fact that he has lied to me for the past 6 months about his future aspirations... Because I have been busting ass, nose-to-the-grindstone, working towards getting my debts paid off so we could get this place together. Aaaaand, apparently toys are more important.
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML
Today, I found out that not only has my father been cheating on my mother with another woman, but they have a child together with the same name as me. FML
redbluegreen tells us more.
redbluegreen 41
That actually wasn't the reason. The mother was the one that decided on the name, not my dad. She did it so that he could leave my mom and me without 'losing' anything.
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