Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML
Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend accused me of making an FML about him. I let him know that if I were going to make an FML, it would be about how he doesn’t flush the toilet after he uses it. He responded by not flushing the toilet again this morning. FML
Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm "so slow a turtle could kick my ass" and that he has "a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend." FML
Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML
Today, my boyfriend became convinced that I cheated on him, and broke up with me, saying he would "get me back." When I came home, I found his key on my counter and my cat missing. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, all because I don't text her throughout the day. Last week she told me she would get fired if she was caught reading texts at work, and to stop texting her during her work hours. FML
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Top comments
beezerbnt00 4
Pretty sure that's illegal....
Rodders_SOTC 1
It will only get worse, get rid.
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Comments (187)
beezerbnt00 4
Pretty sure that's illegal....
innavoiG 9
He's so stupid it literally makes me angry.
FatGuyLover 0
Did she mention shes from sweden?
ScaughtieHolden 11
Literally angry? Can someone be hypothetically angry?
__Robin__x 6
It's illegal to have sex with a hedgehog in Florida
xcarxcrashx 9
59 I'm sure that's one of those silly laws but I'm certain it's illegal in all of the US to fornicate with all animals.
Bluekaren16 19
********** is a sin and hopefully illegal everywhere.
Shrike 24
Thumbs down just for turning a question of basic ethics and consent into a religious thing, 70.
chowE_fml 4
Actually it's completely legal to **** horses. My **** subscription says so.
Psych101 9
38- No, no. He's metaphorically angry.
JackeeDawn 9
I wonder if having sex with the toad is considered animal abuse or not
lovertolover 4
14- it wasn't necessary to use the word literally in that sentence.
vcapelo 19
It's not all countries where it's illegal!
Knightchaser27 25
Is it even possible
KiwiExchange 16
Talk about insecurities. A ******* toad? Really?
sens3sfailing 25
Yes, metaphorically angry makes the most sense. The metaphor is that the anger represents the extremist left wingers while the boyfriend represents the war mongering extreme right wingers. OP represents working class Americans struggling to make ends meet, and the stupidity represents George W. Bush. And FML represents the NBA. (this post is pure joke and is not making any statements good or bad about either political party and is only calling George Bush an idiot and not all republicans. If you take it seriously then I am sorry if I offended you in anyway, I am just trying to make people laugh. Thank you for understanding).
Welshite 40
#163: Yeah. I'm not laughing. I don't want to hear your political opinion, and I'm not telling you mine. They have websites and forums for those discussions. No president should be disrespected either; current or past. Thank you.
Legendoflaw 4
You just wasted 15 seconds of my time with that nonsense.... And it wasn't even funny.
Helloilike_lacro 8
Ah a ******* toad that's a good one... Get it she ****** her toad... No one... Ok
philbelfrage 13
65 - The fact that it is illegal to have sex with a hedgehog in Florida means that somebody has probably tried it in the past. It's likely there was some big consequence from it and wasn't just some freak raping a hedgehog. I'm just wondering what that consequence was.
lostinlabels 8
The act might have been the consequence. Think about all those quills.
lostinlabels 8
I bet it was quick though, or is that too shrew-d of me to say?
Judahsh 8
179 i don't think that was even a joke...
Ajwc101 24
65 - In many states it's legal to have sex with a horse.
Ajwc101 24
82 - its not legal everywhere.
FatGuyLover 0
109- depends if you spank it
Blackmail111 9
70- Nope. Sex with a horse is legal in Canada and about 38 US states.
ImanAzol 4
Not everywhere. I'm sure there's a site listing the laws by state.
Rodders_SOTC 1
It will only get worse, get rid.
acidkitten 14
I think she has already has. Her username is "you're dumped shitforbrain"
onlychildFTW 34
That's good. Of he's like that he's going to be a pain for life.
beddington 7
My wife is this way and it does only get worse, and the longer your with them the harder it gets to leave. Jealous paranoia is a relationship killer!
eXangelice 15
Sounds like he was Projecting... Most people who constantly accuse a SO of cheating are doing so themselves, but projecting their guilt onto the other party by accusing them of doing the same. It was smart of you to get out!
OriginalimoaN 15
A lot are also that way because they've been lied to and cheated on by more than one partner. Even after a long time of showing you're not a cheater doesn't change them. It totally blows to be with someone like that. Damn ***** people ruining good people!
outoftown 27
(oops, wrong thread)
feven 32
I understand her though. People in Sweden are a little out there... honestly have you heard the song What Does the Fox Say?
Sansa_fml 38
#68, it is. That's why a relationship of mine couldn't last. Not only girls can be that jealous.
lelandw7393 3
I'm curious about how'd he would even think you could have sex with a toad
TurtleSmile 14
You really don't understand sarcasm, do you?
xXUND3ADcityXx 0
58- I've been saying for a while that FML needs a place to teach that :/
Psych101 9
64- Also, a font to indicate sarcasm would be nice.
mduffy08 8
58 - I preach intelligence. But you have none.
emilyjgraham 34
153, actually he's right, the fml is sarcastic at the end because the boyfriend doesn't think she's ******* a toad... so his response to the comment is correct :)
spacemanspiff78 7
Smashed fly paste oral.
outoftown 27
He might have got the idea from the Dr. Phil show.
BatemanFML 0
153- I would like to point out that you have made yourself look like an ass with your worthless comment. You preach intelligence at 17 years old. Yet in the description of yourself found in your profile all you have is a lame, unoriginal poem, and "feed me" copied and pasted several times. This just leads me to assume that you do not have a level of intelligence needed to respond to a comment in a creative manner. And for my hypocritical comment of the day, I say to you don't be a troll.
BradTheBrony 19
Also, he's from Kill, in Kill.
yankfan89 27
If he is this jealous obviously he doesn't trust you. Dump him. You can't be with someone who doesn't trust you.
reallytho3 11
Either he knows op is out of his league or he's just hella paranoid, most likely both
vic55jets 13
Probably she did something for him to lose the trust. Wouldn't doubt most girls lie and bullsh*t
astoryofroses 9
I think OP's username states her current relationship status
Dr0reos 8
Maybe OP kisses it first so it turns into a rich handsome prince(her boyfriend may be on to something)
FMLKitten 15
Hey, at least OPs boyfriend isn't taking martial arts to be able to beat her up!
iiDangerCloseBK 6
Well the real question is, are you?
Hiimhaileypotter 53
No. She's not.
Dixbfloppin 11
No.
Qandol 26
#5, you're completely idiot and sick. Get some help.
KiddNYC1O 22
Good one, 5. Troll successful.
hellachillin 8
5- maybe she ****** it because she thought it would turn into a prince? No no, that's frogs... Your comment was just stupid then
asinforasin 1
You guys realize #5 was joking.... Right?
iiDangerCloseBK 6
People have never heard of sarcasm on FML. Jesus.
Pogox 5
Go to hell.
birdfreak 24
Wow... Well, time to move on
flutter4 7
It sounds like her boyfriend may be hiding something
FlyingPie 17
#89: How does this mean her boyfriend might be hiding something?
klovely22 13
162- Most people who constantly accuse their s/o of cheating, are cheaters themselves.
dashizam 10
How on earth did you meet this dude? Honestly, its mind boggling the stupidity of the human race.
Spiral_Thoughts 19
Says the human who has used the actions of ONE person as the definition for BILLIONS of others.
dashizam 10
I should've said some people.. My mother is a lawyer and sometimes it does amaze me the stupidity of some.
CyborgBanana 12
The human race? What are you, an alien from another solar system? Lol...
tisvana20 6
Coincidentally, said by the man with Garrus as his profile pic.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I would hate to be with someone who was that clingy.
Laurenlou 24
I wouldn't consider OP's boyfriend clingy. He just obviously doesn't trust her.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Well, it doesn't say how long OP put off texting him, but she said she was feeding her toad so I wouldn't think she'd be gone for more than 15-20 minutes. Maybe it's just me, but I would consider a guy who needs a text back within that amount of time or else he'll say you're cheating, is clingy.
Dcm210 19
Jesus here,what did you need?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
GO AWAY, JESUS.
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
Hey Scotty… Jesus, man. :) (Ray William Johnson reference)
samreimer 7
You don't look like Jesus, you look like the Guy who killed all those people at the dark knight rises...
Warden1986 16
#118 that's not even funny. Why would you even try to joke about that. Children were killed and you want to make humor of that event? Something is wrong with you
LilliPage 17
#126 Why do you assume it was a joke? It could very well be a joke, but it looks like more of a simple statement to me.
xMysticKnightx 1
You do look like Jesus, by the way.
chellyX92 8
129, does it matter?
karen1991 15
Dear jessus, why did you let this happen!?!?!!!!!
SammyS2012 21
Wait... Jesus is a ginger?!?!?!?!
Surge5560 20
This guy looks like the Colorado Shooter.
jordanlite 16
Yeah, because all redheads look alike. (That was sarcasm.)
kriz_allizwell 6
id like a big mac with cheese and fries, make it large please...
Welshite 40
How long did you delay replying? One week? Your boyfriends reaction seems kind of unreasonable if it was less than a few hours.
momolee 4
I might take up to a day to respond to texts. It doesn't mean I'm cheating. It could be The phone is dead, I am sleeping, or there is no signal in my area. Late response could just mean I am too busy/ lazy to text.
easyprey 8
My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her once, after I told her I was going to now the lawn for the next hour and a half. It only took me an hour but she accused me of taking 2 hours so I could bang the girl she hates :/