Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML
Today, I had to give a massage to an obese person with rank smelling fungus growing in between their skin folds. They tipped me two dollars. My hands still smell. FML
Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML
Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying, "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML
Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML
Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML
Today, I went out to lunch with my girlfriend. I asked if she was going to finish her meal, hoping to steal a bite or two. She somehow took this as me calling her fat, threw her drink at me, and stormed off. I just wanted some steak. FML
Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML
Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML
Today, my cat has figured out that while I'm good at sleeping through her nagging in the early morning hours, I will unfailingly wake up for my baby. FML
kittyboo_is_me tells us more.
No need to get rid of the cat, she's good to both my baby and my older son and I have absolutely no fears regarding her and the kids. I still have no clue how she does what she does, I assume she either meows in their room long enough to wake up the baby or she paws him through the rails of the crib until he wakes up. She has food available at all times, so that's not an issue (and she's really thin btw). Pretty sure she just wants to go outside to do whatever it is cats do at night (roam, hunt, interact). I might have to try the dark room suggestion though, thanks for reminding me - it was the only thing that got her to stop peeing all over the house. That or throwing her out of the house at night altogether, nevermind the cold. Sleep is precious, especially with a baby in the house.
Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML
Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him, "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML
Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched, "What are you doing with my panties!" FML
Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML
KittenNomNom_fml tells us more.
Ahahah everyone, the shirt was a joke. I wasn't really offended, we ended up becoming friends afterwards. A lot of you are right, he has a great sense of humor and he was just teasing. It didn't kill my self esteem or anything of that sort, I just thought it might give someone a laugh (: Thanks for all the comments and such~
Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML
Today, my husband quit his job as a university professor and picked up the graveyard shift at a rat farm so he could have more time during the day to play World of Warcraft. FML
Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML
Today, I got a text from someone I met last night at a bar. We texted all day and planned to meet up later. The whole time I had in my mind who he was, but when we met up it was someone completely different that I didn't remember. I had to sit through the whole date pretending I knew him. FML
MixMastaKDizzle tells us more.
Uhh no. You don't know the full story so don't jump to conclusions. I live in a tiny mountain town, and the guy I gave my number to I had seen many times before. The guy that I was actually texting, however is someone random that I didn't know and didn't give my number to. I did, however, have fun once I got past the initial shock. It has NOTHING to do with looks. If you make me laugh and are an intelligent gentleman, then I like you.
Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML
Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said, "What are you, babysitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on a giraffe, yelling at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML
Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML
Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML
Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML
Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML
Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML
Today, I realised just how cripplingly self-conscious I am, when I couldn't even fantasise about having sex with a guy without feeling shy and insecure about my body. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend's crazy ex, who let herself in with her old key. She screamed at me to get out of "her" bed, snatched "her" blanket off of my body, and finally dragged the bed itself out the door. I was still in it. FML
jellyfish_ftw tells us more.
OP, replying. this is my big explanation, so pay attention. the whole situation came about because my boyfriend was trying to keep the breakup friendly since they had a kid together, and he wants to stay in his daughter's life. therefore, he hadn't really made a fuss about making her give back everything of his/take everything of hers. this was also because he didn't fully realize how crazy she was. the ex hated my guts already and we all knew it, and she had made threats to my boyfriend saying things like, "she'd better hope she doesn't come across me anywhere, or i'll kick her ass." the morning of the incident, he had left early for work 45 minutes away, leaving me to sleep in. his ex called him at work telling him she needed to get something from the apartment, which he usually leaves unlocked because we live in a small town. he told her it was locked and that i was there and he didn't want her going over there......which made her insanely angry, obviously. she came over with her old key and her sister (in the sister's van) and started flipping shit. i was asleep, and i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm extremely disoriented and out of it when i first wake up. so all i could really do was stare blearily at her while she yelled and tore blankets off. when she grabbed the bed, i woke up enough to get out of it. she took off with the bed, which was a double-size box-spring and mattress, and dragged it to her sister's van which was waiting outside, and they drove off. when my boyfriend came home and found out the situation, he bitched her out and told her he would do something about it if she ever came in without asking/him being there again. there you go, FML. full story.
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