Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML
Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I decided I need help, so I confessed to my mother that I'm bulimic. After she looked it up online she started screaming at me for "Wasting food that I'm not paying for." FML
Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML
Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML
Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML
Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML
Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML
Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML
Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML
Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML
Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, I just bought a car with all of my own money. Then, when I brought it home my dad informed me that my mom will be driving it to work every day. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML
Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML
Today, I was discussing the possibility of other life in the universe with my friend. She said the universe isn't big enough for it to be possible, and that we would know about it already, because "there are only 8 planets in the universe." FML
daninalani tells us more.
FML bc i spent all morning trying to tell her about how big the universe was. she just got angry.
Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML
Today, I went to a neon-themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML
Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing, and after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML
Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML
Today, I had to have a long and awkward meeting with my boss. It wouldn't have been too awkward though, if I didn't have to avoid staring at her exposed breast whilst she fed her 8 week old baby. FML
Wubba87 tells us more.
Wubba87 12
Wow, didn't realise this would get so much attention so quickly. Thanks guys! Not suprised that this has stirred a debate on breast feeding as a whole though... To clarify, my boss has recently had a child (duh!) and has therefore been on maternity leave. This is the first time she's come back to work. I actually work in a research lab, and so my boss gathered myself and a few of my coworkers (a doctor and a PhD student) together in an office to discuss the progress of our research since she's been absent. I didn't mind having the meeting, I didn't mind that the kid was there too, and I definitley didn't mind her having to feed the child (nor do I ever mind when any woman has to do this, but especially in this case because she asked us all if it was OK to feed her before doing anything). But I have never had to work so hard on maintaining eye contact in my life! Awkward!
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
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