Today, I had to clean out my husband's brother's room as he is moving. The room was filled with childish toys, mould and years of dust covered everything. Behind and under every piece of furniture were earwax encrusted cotton swabs, hundreds of them. Oh yeah, he's moving in with us. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML
Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML
Today, my daughter got fired from a high five figures job for making up fake religious holidays to get days off, and for almost a year her boss was so scared of being called a racist, he never bothered to look into it until today, and she was sacked 10 minutes later. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML
Today, I found out about bitcoin around 2012 when it cost $20. I had about $40k of money to invest at the time. That would be about 2,000 BTC. If I'd just bought and held onto it until now, it would be worth $60,000,000. FML
Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML
Today, I woke up in the hospital with a mild concussion, a sprained neck, and a broken shoulder. How did this happen? Earlier, I ran into the guy I used to bully all throughout school. Once his wife realized who I was, she piledrived me. FML
Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML
Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML
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Today, my mother told me I've gained so much weight recently, she thinks I should get gastric bypass surgery. FML
Today, after I helped get my boyfriend get a new job, he thanked me by dumping me for some whore who works there. FML
Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML
Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML
Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML
Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML
Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML
Today, I started my senior year of high school and I just learned I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how to tell my parents, considering I had a baby freshman, sophomore, and junior year as well. FML
Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML
Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML
Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip two massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML
Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML
Today, my ex shot me. Actually shot me. After I woke up from surgery, I told my manager I would obviously need sick leave. She told me she was shot in the army, and got over it because she’s "not a pussy", so she expects me back at work, recovering from a gunshot to the chest, by Tuesday. FML
Today, multiple customers have complained about my body odor. Not only can I not smell anything, but I shower three times a day and brush my teeth seven times a day. FML
Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." FML
Today, I found out the passport office sent my passport to the wrong address. They sent it all to my ex-wife (currently separated) who is now asking for money in exchange for the documents, as well as me signing a divorce that she hasn't started. I'm from Australia; I can't go see my family because of her. FML
Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My husband said he had to work today and “rain checked” my birthday celebration for “god knows when, because I’m so busy. I’ll let you know.” A couple of months ago it was his female work bestie’s birthday and he got her a cake, balloon, flowers, and requested time off to take her out for lunch. FML
Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML
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