Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. Doubting our relationship, I asked him seriously if he loved me. He looked thoughtful, gathered me in his arms and said, "If I say yes, will you be less pissed?" and then tried to stick his hand down my pants. FML
rig_89 tells us more.
rig_89 0
OP here! Haha. For those wanting to know what happened afterwards - Me: Are you trying to have sex with me right now?! Him: Seems like it. Me: *stomp off pissily* Yeah. We made up later. He told me I was the last girl he wanted to have sex with, and in his book that was pretty much love. :) Haha. He makes jokes a lot, but I was in a bitchy mood it didn't seem funny to me right then, he didn't realize how upset I was and that it would make me even more upset. Now I think its hilarious, and its a win for both of us since we got on FML! :) And yeah, he got some later after we made up lol. Overall, he isn't a total douche and I didn't mean to pull a bitch move on him. I was being overemotional.
Today, I was depressed because my boobs are really small for a 20 year old woman. To make me feel better my boyfriend said, "As long as they're bigger than mine." They weren't. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he told me I was the love of his life. Afterwards, he clarified his statement. I was the love of his life, because I was in his life at that moment. FML
Today, I was at the store when I saw two extremely hot girls. I walked into their aisle and they looked at me and smiled. I stopped and pretended to look at something so I could listen to what they were saying. They started laughing and walked away. It turned out I was reading a box of tampons. FML
Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML
Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML
Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
molliciousj tells us more.
molliciousj 19
Okay, so this is embarrassing but you guys asked for it! First of all, I'm a receptionist at a vet hospital so I have a big soft spot for animals. When I saw the little creature run across the road I thought it could be someone's lost pet or a stray doggy looking for shelter. I couldn't just keep driving. The coyote was also pretty small so I assume it was a fairly young one. In my defense, it was super dark out and it's foresty where I live with little to no street lights so visibility is very limited. When I pulled over I saw a glimpse of the fuzz ball in my headlight, huddled under some bushes. I had a dog lead in my trunk that I took out just in case. The pup never saw me though so I was able to walk right up and swoop him. He squirmed a bit but not much which is surprising. Now, I've seen a ton of dogs come into the vet hospital that I work at which are half coyote or wolf and look very similar....so it's a real thing. I'm not entirely crazy. Ha. Anyways, upon setting the coyote in my car when he began freaking out and I turned the light on, there was no mistaking that this was a wild animal. I was face to face with the little guy who was scared to death that he was trapped in a driving machine with an insane girl who picked up a feral animal. Haha. He was jumping around and pacing in my car. I got out and ran around to open the passenger side door. I left both doors open and as soon as he saw an escape he took it and ran off. Just so you know, there were no animals harmed in the happenings of this FML and no damage done to my car (although he did poop in it) but I feel like such a jerk. I'm sorry, poor little coyote. :(
Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML
Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me "Tampon Girl." FML
Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML
Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML
Today, I had to choose between living with my overprotective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot-smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML
Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML
Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML
Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML
Today, after years of counseling and therapy for my anger issues, I snapped. Two words: Flappy Bird. FML
tigerisabelle tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here. I did not know how damaging Flappy Bird was to the brain until my friend convinced me to play it, and it's been a downhill road ever since. I literally smashed into the first pipe 40 times in a row, and got more frustrated every time. So I'm supposed to count to ten when I'm feeling "irrational rage" but instead, I just pressed start. (oops...) I threw my phone through a window. The phone is shockingly okay, except it still has Flappy Satan. Yeah, that game is straight from the depths of hell.
Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML
Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML
Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML
Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML
Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years-old; he's 97. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
meganmagee tells us more.
Today, my husband and I decided to get a little frisky in bed. After we were done we lay spent on our bed then only to hear weird noises coming from our doorway. To our surprise not only had our daughter taken her first steps but has been watching and now making the noises as well. FML
PreciousIve tells us more.
*Clarification* My post is not fake, sex happens... And my baby was not abandoned carelessly she just took a late morning nap at her playroom (which is directly in front of our bedroom) and as most parents know trying to sneak sex after having a baby is like looking for the Lochness Monster. And since she is a light sleeper moving her to her crib is a self sabotage. So when all the sexytime happened our daughter must have woken up upon hearing the noise and being a natural 10 month old baby curiousity must have driven her to get up and see why mommy and daddy are making strange noises and since we didn't close our door so she can be within sight (why we close the door on her?) she went to us and watched most or some of the action. But the whole point of me posting it was so I can share a small part of my life to everyone and laugh at it, and isn't that the whole point of this site?
Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML
Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML
Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML
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