Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML
Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML
Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML
Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML
Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML
Today, I went out for drinks to mark the end of my current job. I invited all my colleagues to join me so I could say goodbye to them all. I even changed the date to a day that suited more people and the location to a place I knew they all preferred. Only one person showed up. FML
squizzlebee tells us more.
squizzlebee 19
Holy wow, I never expected this to get published! Thanks for all your comments, they're both making me laugh and appreciate what I do have :) Just for a bit of clarification, I worked in a clothing store and we'd see a fair few people come and go over time, and whenever one of us left (especially if they'd been there for longer than a year) there'd usually be some kind of informal gathering at a local bar to see them off. I'd been there for coming up to two years so I was hoping for a bit more of a turn out, but obviously people are busy with their own stuff! (The Brexit comments made me laugh :P) I did end up having a nice time with the one girl who showed up, she was one of the ones I felt was more of a friend than a colleague and so it was a rather nice evening overall :) And yes I do have a somewhat better job lined up so all good in the end really!
Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me, "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?" I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, to which he responded, "No, probably not." FML
Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML
Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML
Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML
Today, I attended a TEDx conference. The woman sitting next to me spent the whole time picking her nose, playing with the retrieved contents, and sticking her hand down her pants. FML
geekpower_fml tells us more.
OP here to answer a few questions that have come up. I spent the whole time inching away but she didn't seem to realise there was anything wrong. Also no I did not call her out because she was 10 years older than me, twice my size both vertically and horizontally, and accompanied by her husband. Also I'm a coward and socially awkward and tend to avoid confrontation wherever possible. Seats at the TEDx were assigned and I paid for nice stall seats, I wasn't going to move. Even if I wanted to, the place was packed with 1800 people so there was nowhere to go. To whoever said she wasn't interested in the conference, it seems like she was. It was actually quite annoying because she kept making comments out loud throughout the talks: "Cool!", "Wow!", "Who'd have guessed?!". Which in itself is rude because talks are about listening and not interfering with the experience people around you are having. Any other questions, feel free to ask!
Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML
Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML
Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML
Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML
Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML
Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML
Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML
Today, I was walking dogs for the animal hospital I work for. I accidentally dropped the leash, and in my haste to retrieve it, I frantically grabbed the ground. I got the leash, and a handful of fresh dog poo emitted from the dog I was walking. FML
Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML
Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML
Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML
Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML
Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML
Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML
Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
