The Top

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By Should have stayed in the closet - 07/06/2018 06:00

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 611

You deserved it 1 154

By all arsed out - 06/03/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 671

You deserved it 1 567

By Needamap - 25/02/2016 22:20 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked to an interview on my college campus. I got there early. The place was empty. I assumed I wrote the date wrong. Several hours later, a friend who also was interviewed asked me how my interview went. The date, time and location were all right. I don't know how I got lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 042

You deserved it 3 757

Needamap tells us more.

Needamap 5

Tuesday 1 March 2016 23:05

OP here! I agree with you #5, I was probably at the wrong location if no one was already there. However, the guy wrote down the address the day before, and I walked to that address to the best of my ability. I should never have left so soon after I realized that I was in the wrong area. I assumed that I knew the building well enough, so I only arrived five minutes early. All of my previous interviews have gone smoothly, so I had no reason to believe that this time I would mistakenly stumble into an alternate universe. #15, thank you for not judging me too harshly. Although the interviewer was kind enough to suggest that we reschedule, he hasn't followed up with me in a few days. Missing my interview was my fault; I should have been better prepared. Luckily I have some other options, so not all hope is lost. As for my friend, he is a classmate in a later class. We've never exchanged numbers. It was mere coincidence we both had interviews.

By LittleSprout - 20/03/2017 18:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 865

You deserved it 1 232

Armed and not dangerous

By littledonny - 12/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 048

You deserved it 1 308

By DietWater - 07/08/2015 22:13 - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 492

You deserved it 2 369

By BrokeAndHungry - 24/07/2016 17:05 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 163

You deserved it 4 350

By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 957

You deserved it 7 202

By whiskynexttimeplease - 07/07/2016 20:52 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, my husband kindly offered to take me on a brewery tour. Turned out the brewery is owned by his ex-girlfriend and there was no tour after all. Just me standing awkwardly for 25 minutes while he chatted to her about her family and stuff they used to do together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 852

You deserved it 1 065

The show must go on!

By Stuckwiththebill - 28/01/2018 01:30

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 721

You deserved it 447

Industrial logs

By wow - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 701

You deserved it 37 334

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 182

You deserved it 319

What the HELL are you doing?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 494

You deserved it 30 917

By hoppgrasser - 12/11/2016 15:17 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out a girl I've had a crush on for months now. She told me I was very cute and then walked off. I still don't have an answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 579

You deserved it 914

By anonymous - 14/10/2016 03:46 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was babysitting, and the family dog was unable to move, so I had texted the mother about it. We put the small dog on the couch to make it comfortable while the mother was on her way to get the dog and take it to the vet. Turns out, we sat with a dead dog for about ten minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 860

You deserved it 1 296

By Anonymous - 08/09/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 15 037

You deserved it 955

Cold open

By AbsentMindedBoy - 03/03/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 664

You deserved it 15 784

By MY fault!? - 27/04/2018 15:00

Today, my mom invited my asshole cousin to my daughter's 10th birthday party, saying that this is the best time for me to apologize for having him imprisoned 3 years ago. He’s the same cousin who held my daughter hostage after the cops cornered him in a drug bust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 235

You deserved it 288

Got likes on the mind

By Yeahyeahyeah - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 409

You deserved it 979

Smooth talker

By pixie - 17/02/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 881

You deserved it 13 801

Singalong

By shtzbutnogiggles - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 446

You deserved it 1 082

Spotted

By chichi - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me about a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 537

You deserved it 3 597

By Kevin - 05/02/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 166

You deserved it 46 783

By Anonymous - 02/05/2016 21:42 - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 850

You deserved it 959

By pretty princess - 01/02/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 843

You deserved it 4 965

By Anonymous - 15/03/2016 05:55

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 217

You deserved it 3 330

By nightput - 17/11/2008 06:02 - France

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 452

You deserved it 28 728

By kellyem2 - 03/03/2016 18:21

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 823

You deserved it 1 360

By itsthebestdayoftheyear - 22/12/2015 12:30 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, after 3 years of hard work, very little vacation and no raises, our boss got us a crappy box of drug store cookies as an employee appreciation gift. Which he ended up eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 690

You deserved it 1 542

Reported!

By suspicious - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 617

You deserved it 3 043

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 836

You deserved it 2 177

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 203

You deserved it 4 079

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 203

You deserved it 6 154

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 749

You deserved it 9 471

Today, it’s the hundredth day of me being homeschooled. It’s also the hundredth day in a row where my dad has assigned a five-page essay. I told my him I’m feeling burnt out. He said, “That’s not a real thing. Stop whining like a little baby and write the essay.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 187

Today, I came home to my daughter in her room, crying hysterically. She's been asking for a pet monkey for a few weeks, and my husband got tired of it and told her about Travis the Chimpanzee (don't look it up if you're squeamish). Thanks for ruining her innocence, prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 394