Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML
Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML
Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML
Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML
Today, the car across the street has been broken into so many times that my parrot has started to mimic its car alarm. FML
Today, I accidentally bought an audio book through iBooks for $40 AUD. I'm deaf. FML
Sady_Ct tells us more.
Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML
Today, my date kept offering to drop me off back home because he thought I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance. I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance because he kept asking if I wanted to leave. FML
Oops_Im_Blushing tells us more.
Hi guys, I'm the OP here! And I just want to clarify somethings. I in fact told him that I was enjoying myself and that he didn't need to keep asking. And I don't think it was that he didn't want to spend time with me as he texted me later seeing if we could see eachother the next day. So I still have no idea lol.
Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML
Today, my period started one week early, and I don’t have access to any hygiene products besides toilet paper for 3 days. FML
eh tells us more.
First of all I have bought enough products for my period. I’m on vacation on a boat with 3 men who don’t know squat about periods. We were supposed to pack light and my period doesn’t normally come 9 days early and I don’t carry a week’s worth of tampons every where I go. I did have one to last me for 10 hours but I can’t use that for 3 days
Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML
nes0385 tells us more.
nes0385 5
OP here! I so didn't think this was going to make it! But I loved reading all your comments! And yes I do read FML while I'm doing my business at Barnes and Noble lol
Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML
Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML
Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML
Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle on a mole hill in front of my house. I regularly try to stomp them down so I guess this was retribution. Well played, mole. Well played. FML
WhoaZombie tells us more.
WhoaZombie 19
OP here with some details. I was not stomping down the holes when I fell. I was walking out to my car across the yard. I have poor vision and misjudged the lawn and turned my ankle. The moles were not harmed in my pushing down of their holes at any time. I push them down to prevent the grass from growing over sometimes 8inch high mounds in my lawn. Stomping the holes (not the moles) is for this reason! I didn't want to trip and here I am. Lmao. I mean karma is a bitch but damn. I'm like super animal activist to the point where I don't even have traps down for the suckers. To the knuckle dragger that said he hoped I broke it, you'll get yours just for spewing your ignorance. Of that I am certain. ;)
Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML
Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML
Today, I received my Valentine's gift from my fiancée in the mail. We broke up yesterday. FML
CRD1995 tells us more.
CRD1995 19
The gift that she sent me holds no monetary value. She lives in Japan, and I live in America. She sent a journal consisting of entries that she wrote everyday while I was in basic training for two months. There was also a poster board with our pictures on it. It's really hard to look at all of the things she sent, but it honestly makes me feel a little better that this FML got published. And also I did go see Deadpool already! Thanks for the advice.
Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML
Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML
Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.
Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML
Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML
Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML
Today, I got fired from a great babysitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML
Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriend's house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles, I slipped my hand into her sister's back pocket and squeezed her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out, and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML
Today, I was trying to finish an English assignment and I was not sure how to complete it, so I emailed my teacher to ask her for help. She told me to… flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML
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