Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML
Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML
Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML
Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML
Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML
Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML
Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML
Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML
Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML
Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML
Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML
Today, I was on a tram and I noticed an older lady having trouble getting down the stairs. I immediately got up to help her, dropping my bag on the seat accidentally. As I went to get back on the tram, the doors closed. FML
Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML
Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML
Today, I stopped by my local bar to maybe meet some new people. I sat in between two groups. Within a minute both groups got up and left. FML
elizacandle tells us more.
OP Here ...well to a lot of you, Thanks for your sympathy! This was supposed to be an emphasis on how hard it is to talk to people in the real world! This actually happened and u sat at a spot that was empty, I didn't squeeze anywhere. it was likely coincidental but it did feel lonely when the half of the seating area became empty at once. gets lonely pretty quick.
Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML
Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML
Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML
Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML
Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML
holluphollup tells us more.
holluphollup 12
OP here. I'm here to explain this a little better. Ok so first off, I'm under 18 so therefore I can't leave. Second, my mother wants to do this because she wants to be a midwife, and Guatemala has cheap midwifery classes and programs. You might say she's doing this to help us financially, but my dads a doctor so that takes care of itself. Also, my mom has horrible back problems. At times she can barely move without hurting. If she's like this, then how will she be able to perform her job well? ( Surgery isn't an option because everyon we've tried has failed). I'm 17 and I've been in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I'm at the top of my class, and I have a real shot into getting into a prestigious university. I also have very deep connections with the people here. I don't want to throw this away. I don't mean to be rude and thwart my moms dreams, but it's just not what's best right now in my opinion. Hope this answered a lot of your questions. Also, thanks for all the support I really appreciate it. :)
Today, as I was taking a shower, I felt something run down my back. Assuming it was water, I lathered up my loofah and scrubbed my back with it, only to hear a gross crunching sound. I pulled back my loofah to see a smushed, twitching cockroach that I had smeared on my back. FML
kittywings tells us more.
Hey all, OP here To everyone wondering: yes, it was disgusting. After freaking out for a little, I just tried my best not to puke and washed the cockroach guts off my back. I smashed the half-dead cockroach with a shampoo bottle just to put the poor thing out of its misery and threw out the loofah. Speaking of the loofah, it was one of those really hard thick sponges, which is probably why the cockroach's shell got crushed by it (I also thought cockroaches' shells were too tough to be crushed like that, but maybe the steam from the shower softened it?) Anyway, though it was really really gross, the one good thing that came out of this is that my FML actually got posted, which is pretty cool. Thanks guys :)
Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML
Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML
Today, my eight-year-old brother told his classmates that I have cancer. Nope, just really bad acne. FML
Peeves_fml tells us more.
Peeves_fml 17
OP here! My brother legitimately believed that having acne is the same thing as having cancer, but after a good talk with him about the difference between a normal teenage phenomenon and a life-threatening disease, I think he's straightened out his vocabulary terms. Oh, the bliss of being baby-faced and blemish-free! I told him he was lucky that he wouldn't have to worry about any skin problems for several years.
Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML
Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML
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