Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns, and it hurts to sit. FML
Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML
Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML
Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML
Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML
Today, and ever since my fiance started eating apples instead of junk food, he now has horribly foul diarrhea every morning, and keeps insisting it's his body "flushing out the toxins." I'm about to rent a Porta Potty so our bathrooms don't smell like sewage. FML
Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML
Today, in an effort to curb my drinking, I’ve tried eating an apple whenever I got the urge, which worked wonderfully for a couple of days, until the sudden influx of fiber in my diet caused me to violently shit myself miles from home. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Now I’m in the bathroom and my butthole is dry heaving. FML
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Top comments
saffy66 34
Are you sure something went bad? If you've been eating unhealthy and low fibre food, it may just be your body's response to the sudden influx of raw juice and fibre. Sometimes you need to start slow when making dietary changes. But good on you for doing something positive for your health.
xxDragonHeart_fml 10
You'll start a healthy lifestyle with clean intestines.
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Comments (71)
DolphinLaser23 24
No pain no gain am I right
Shadowvoid 33
Well I mean won't OP lose weight in the process of this? So lots of gain for little pain
xxDragonHeart_fml 10
You'll start a healthy lifestyle with clean intestines.
PinkiePiePony 19
That must not have been just carrots and apples unless something went bad. Carrots and apples don't usually burn on the way out.
erizonkim 17
It was obviously stated that something has gone bad.
netflixislife 15
Try to stick with the ripe fruit and vegetables.
laden_swallow09 35
Try reading again.
roxzanne22 20
Hopefully the detox will give you a good start for your healthy eating. Try to use fresh ingredients in future! : )
AlchemistEd 12
they probably were fresh. apples in a decent amount will have a laxative effect. combine that with influx of fiber, more liquid than the body requires and enough fructose (slightly more complex sugar) to make the bacteria in the gut go nuts... well this is a forseeable thing to happen.
roxzanne22 20
Ah - I didn't know that! Thanks : )
saffy66 34
Are you sure something went bad? If you've been eating unhealthy and low fibre food, it may just be your body's response to the sudden influx of raw juice and fibre. Sometimes you need to start slow when making dietary changes. But good on you for doing something positive for your health.
Corey122726 17
Apples are high on that list of natural Laxative. I have babies so if we needed to make them poop my wife would drink apple juice. Next day they would poo their brains out. So if it was concentrated with mainly apples, I'd have to say that plays a solid (or not so solid) part of your issue.
mattrd_fml 31
When your wife drinks juice it makes her babies poop??
Ironmayhem 22
I'm guessing she was breast- feeding
Corey122726 17
You clearly don't understand how the whole baby thing works #40. Anything mother eats or drinks, the baby will get through mothers milk. Maybe go back to sex ed...... Or pick up a book.
flamedragon2525 11
Also maybe it was something from yesterday? I don't believe the digestive track works so fast...
bethers_ 22
Hey, people pay good money for detox. You got one for free!
Xx_ISeeStara_xD 15
Maybe you somehow offhandedly made a very potent detox drink? Hey, it'll clean out your body quicker, at least.
crazyindynathan 13
Apparently an apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away. Get well soon!
Atowns40 18
Cleanliness lol Clean out them intestines lol good way to get a fresh start i guess lol
Shrike 24
Yeah lol I lol totally lol agree lol.
laden_swallow09 35
I have a particular feeling that you don't cackle and guffaw at the top of your lungs every time you type out "lol".