Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
solocredere12 4
Ydi for hooking up with a twitard.
Inked2009 0
Excuse you, I like Twilight but I'm not a fan girl like this nut case
Gillypants 3
i think the question here is HOW OLD was this broad? becauuusee....... i read the series and enjoyed the story, but that's about it. same with any of my friends who have read it. we simply read it. there's no obsession or buying tickets to the movie 8 months in advance or wearing "team Edward" clothing any crap like that........ that kind of obsessive, neurotic behavior is what you see in 12-15 year old girls who are VERY susceptible to the power of suggestion. the characters are obsessive about each other, therefore, they are too. YDI for being a pedophile. also... who DOESN'T like biting during sex? YDI for being an unexperienced, closed-minded dumbass.
tikimuppet 11
a large number of my friends are that obsessed at they are 18/19 year old guys =P But: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that's the funniest thing I've heard in ages
PhillyFox 0
YDI for sleeping with someone you barely know. YDI for sleeping with a Twi-tard.
Gillypants 3
wow. INEXPERIENCED** not unexperience.
PhilipEden 0
Your life soesn't suck! :O I am soooooooo jealous!! I would totally be in to that kind of kinky stuff If any girl would have wanted me =/
lilmissbubbles 0
just cuz someone bites doesnt meant hey think they are a vampire. it could very well turn them on, i think its hot when people bite my neck like that, not just cuz i like twilight either
wethehushcity 0
you're a stupid idiot for getting drunk and hookin up with a random girl, ergo ydi as for bitin, theres nothing wrong with a lil bite, hickeys are nice. My bf bites my shoulder sumtimes and i find it hot. and sumtimes i i bite when i give him a hickey. ur obviously very closed-mind or inexperienced
diskdude13 0
Wow that sucks so much!! I'm sorry!
canadian101 0
Moral of this story: nobody should read Twilight!