Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
Funambulist 0
LOL FYL but yeh....LOLOLOL :D
tearsofabrokenan 0
This is both a FML and YDI. People should know better than to hang around Twifail fans but then again, you were drunk..
shootingstar8D 0
you didnt have to get drunk to hook up with a Twilight freak just pick up a hoe in the New Moon theater.
Susaluda 0
Not all of the people who like Twilight are insane freaks...that one apparently was though :P
Voids 0
6, you are my hero. YD everything. Just be glad she didn't give you a twilight tattoo. I can't believe people have those...
gigi37 0
Oh no, please be joking. They don't have Robert Pattinson's face on their arm, right? Oy vey
IMB916 0
YDI for being a manwhore.
lonewolf2701 0
dude the number one advice i can give you is never DATE A WOMAN WHO LOVES TWILIGHT. The book brainwashes them into trying to live out the characters life O.O
Erranty 0
Problem 1, every girl on the planet except my sister is hooked on Twilight. Problem 2, you were both drinking, and you never want to do that when you don't know how they are when drunk. Problem 3, we have no idea if you got laid or not. If you did it was worth it, if not then YDI.
did_it_4_lulz 0
I, too, am a girl not obsessed or even interested in Twilight. Rather read a real book.
Ella_fml 17
I'm a girl and definately not obsessed with twilight. I've read the first book, and it was a struggle reading through the extremely bad writing style. I've managed to finish it, so I can openly say that, yes I have read it, so I do have a basis to criticize it. Don't be so feminist dude :P OP: Def. deserved it for hooking up and being too drunk to remember her biting.
smartypants9 15
I am a girl...was considering checking out Twilight. Then my friend became a twi-tard and a Jacob stalker. Decided not to read the first book after all. The end.
lonewolf2701 0
AGAIN! DONT GO OUT WITH GIRLS WhO ARE FANS OF TWiLIGHT!
wearinsexypants 0
Today, I woke up after a drunken hook up. I had gotten really into it and bitten the guy's neck a little, because it's ******* sexy... Anyway he saw the bruises, freaked out and called me a twilight *****. I have no idea what he was talking about. FML.
Thekbking 11
amen to that. the dudes ******* off his rocker to even consider that happening to be a bad thing. who the hell cares if a girl or guy is into twilight