Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
canadian101 0
I hate twilight and i've read the books...they're just immature.
Hooray4Ponies 0
Don't do drunken hook-ups. More often than not you'll regret it.
AmeOwl 0
This is why twilight fans should be quarantined.
dogs_playing_pok 0
.....wow ydi for hooking up with a twilight fan chick. there just crazy
ookamikazechan 5
I don't see how being bitten 5 times is an FML. Unless you have a girlfriend or a job interview or some such and the marks were plainly visible. I can't hardly find a girl that isn't at least mildly interested in twilight so that's not an FML. Tell me..what actually sucks about this? I personally don't care for Twilight myself. I've read the first 1 and half books and was horribly bored. Also saw the first movie and wasn't too terribly impressed. It's not awful, but they aren't that great.
stpanimalcrulety 0
the further into the series the better they get.
lifeislife_fml 0
^ LOL this is a joke, right? ^ Unless you're talking about the humor resulting from the shittiness of the story. Then yeah, that gets better.
GoddessDigi 12
So, because she's a Twilight fan is why she bit you? Well, seeing as people have been biting during sex since way before Twilight came out..I don't see the connection between the 2.
cornsnake 0
damn twilight fans.
2npac 0
Twilight is ruining mens lives everywhere. Maybe she should hang out wit the other chick on here that dumped her bf for a guy more like "her Edward"!
stpanimalcrulety 0
Twilight is also a book series which the movie is based on. It isnt the girls fault that robert pattison(edward cullen) is so damn hot or that cathrin hardwike (director) did a shitty job on the movie. So shut the hell up unless you hav seen the next movie and read the eries only then you can call it bad.
youEQUALtosser 0
So hilarious! YDI for being drunk enough to "hook up" with a complete numpty.