Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
FHGrif 0
Thanks for reminding me never to hook up with Twilight obssessed girls
Batman1887 0
I don't like Twilight, but I like biters. (:
JulzKay 0
Yeah, you deserve it for seeing "Twilight".
did_it_4_lulz 0
Seriously, people "too into" Twilight are a little off mentally. Maybe OP needs to meet some normal girls. Girls who like decent movies.
Kylias 6
FFF-- I'm laughing so hard I can't feel my stomach. :'D
jane99 0
As I'm reading this a Twilight commercial comes on. Get it away from me!
sayheyyybabe 0
Twilight is actually a fairly interesting book. The movie's alright -- ironically, as I'm typing this, a commercial for New Moon is playing. Anyways, it's a good book...overrated, but if you're going to bash the actual book (not the stupid fangirls), PUH-LEASE read it first. However, it will get annoying -- and I mean ANNOYING -- how the writer -- Stephenie Meyer -- always puts these little dashes -- what are they called again? -- in every sentence. See what I mean?
Elksy 0
How did you know she likes Twilight, anyway? She must have been really socially inept if she starting babbling about it during a one-night stand.
sayheyyybabe 0
Shut the **** up and stop bashing on Twilight, regardless of whether you are "joking" or not. I'm tired of seeing faggots like all of you who hate it even though they've never read any of the books. If you're going to hate the fangirls, hate the fangirls. Don't hate Twilight itself. Sure, it may be overrated, and maybe vampires don't really sparkle like a billion diamonds in the sun (which, by the way, is nearly nonexistant in Forks -- I have family that lives in Forks and Port Angeles), and maybe someone who looked like Kristen Stewart wouldn't be all that popular in real life (Bella should be more of a Miranda Kerr), but still. Lay off! All YOU know is that the Twilight Saga is a popular series about werewolves and vampires. That's pretty much it. It doesn't make you cool to hate Twilight and it doesn't make you uncool to like it.
rosy_fml 0
Most of the people hating on it have read it, or at least a little bit of it, 88, myself included. The book is shit, and the fangirls are crazy, as you have so nicely demonstrated for us.
XOfiestypixie 0
There's a difference between the girls who read the books because they were bored/wanted to see what all the fuss was about, & the twi-screamers. Honestly, I only read the books because I got the first 2 from my aunt. They were written in bad fan-fiction style: pretty girl moves away from place she has lived for a long time to a small town. She instantly becomes popular with the locals. She falls in love with a handsome stranger who also falls in love with her. Forbidden love. Yadda yadda yadda. It's a decent story line if you want to escape. Some girls get WAY too into it. The t-shirts that Stitches, etc, sell annoy the hell out of me. So do the "twi-screamers"; what my friends & i call the psycho fans who upon seeing anything to do with twilight scream and giggle about Edward or Jacob or whoever. But it's the whole notion of true love & finding one's soul mate that attracts so many girls. And I will honestly say that Stephenie Meyer's other book "The Host" is actually quite well written. Read it before trashing it, some authors who write badly-written first series can create very well written works the second time around. Plus the whole being bitten thing has nothing to do with her liking Twilight. Some people just bite when they have sex. And the neck is the closest thing when someone's on top of you. ;)
Jenosaur 0
I read the books, and I still think the whole thing is retarded. They are some of the most poorly written novels I've ever read through. Holy spaz.