Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
Ketsuhime 0
try doing it with a narutard
Itasan 0
haha:)
Ambyrawr 0
Lmao I think thats the best thing I've ever heard about Naruto =] Cheers for the awesome insult ^-^
Xarlugia 0
done that, but then again I'm 1 too :P
jjcooper 0
that's why I don't like twilight
alwaysalady 0
And this is why twilight girls are nuts. You never hear of Harry Potter fanc biting eachother.
canadian101 0
Exactly. You won't see a harry potter trying to cast a spell or whatever. Twilight is just stupid. Don't get me wrong, I have read it...and I hated it. It's just so immature!
Kylias 6
You think you won't see Harry Potter fans casting spells on each other? http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/ Read and be amazed. Don't get me wrong though; I agree that Twilight is quite possibly the worst thing to happen to the world of literature. C:
canadian101 0
i meant the majority of fans don't cast spells....For every book there are weirdos. Far too many twilight fans obsess to no end. The worst part is that Twilight is pretty much some of the first books many of these people have read...Girls who wouldn't be caught dead reading are now calling themselves "Mrs Cullen"
lifeislife_fml 0
Harry Potter fans may cast spells, but not seriously. Twitards however, take their obsession very seriously.
kitten1323 19
Everyone on this site needs to stop ******* steriotyping!!!! I read twilight and I'm not crazy! yeah I'll admit there are some ******* nutjob twilight fans but I'm not one of them so for everyone saying "all twilight fans are nuts" (not an exact quote but you get the point) **** YOU!
fatherpunk 1
Err, yeah, you're nuts.
lifeislife_fml 0
Yeah...you kind of just contradicted yourself by posting that.
nodbor 11
Hey, bite me.
z411811 0
@kitten1323 ******* calm down it's the Internet. People are assholes when they can be annomous. Quit getting angry at something some twelve year old writes and go buy yourself a twilight ***** and pleasure yourself with it. ( yes they do have those)
HarperGirl 4
wow just wow the length some people will go to i am a book maniac and i absloutely love romances especially the eroitic ones but i have not got around to reading that serious yet but i have wtched the movie and i admit the characters are hot but wow some people go way to far, i mean seriously a twilight sex toy? really? AND I AM A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL
spellfire 0
:D You know what someone said..."People may share a drink, a house, a bed, but only doing silly things together indicates a true intimacy." Alas, OP is not a Twilight fan, hence the FML. Also, ahaha, if you think Harry Potter fans are not casting spells, then you haven't been reading MLIA. >:D There were plenty of posts there like "I pointed my pen at a leaf and shouted, Wingardium Leviosa! The wind blew, the leaf flew, everyone thinks I'm a wizard now." or, "I pointed at a guy in a hall and shouted, Avada Kedavra! And he fell to the floor, pretending to be dead. I love him." Those things bond people! Although, if someone shouted "Avada Kedavra" in the same room with me, I'd probably dive to the floor and seek cover, same as when people hear gunshots...
wethehushcity 0
lmao
Shereen15 0
Lmfao
drkwlf 0
Just because she's into Twilight doesn't mean she was biting you because of that you ******* dolt.
literalmanchild 0
drunk or not you should know to not hook up with a twilight fan. it's like cruising for ass at a mental hospital. nothing good can come of it
wellthatsucks 0
O.o Crazy bitch!!! That's what happens when you sleep with those people obsessed with Twilight.
noclevername 0
The two weren't necessarily connected, biting is fun. You've never had a hickey from a girl who didn't read Twilight? Also, I've never read Twilight and don't want to, but the extent to which people complain about it is a bit ridiculous. There's no harm in a bit of brain candy (otherwise you wouldn't be on this site). If you don't like it, don't read it or see the films. Problem solved!