Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML
Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up in my boss’s sofa. I was covered in vomit, my head was hurting too much, and the only thing I could remember from the party the day before was that I was holding hands with my boss. I thought the story ended there but turns out I bit him on the neck, not once, not twice, but thrice. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
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Comments (215)
_anonymoose_ 0
YDI
spiderman0606 0
Not going to lie, that actually sounds really hot.
DameGreyWulf 1
No need to lie. Many couples nibble, and I find it hot too. The FML is that she's just a drunken slag who thinks she's a vampire, and he's the drunken slag who slept with her.
Thanitos 0
Unless you got rabies or an STD I see no FML.
NathanKett 0
There is a fine line between nibble and having a meal.
Aha09 1
But what if she was hungry? Gotta feed that insatiable blood thirst!
suaveneanderthal 0
go team edward
Draq 1
But Edward doesn't bite people.
cactus_fml 0
I doubt the Twilight craze has anything to do with it. People bite and scratch during sex, especially if it's drunken and rough. I'm tempted to say that this is made up in order to perpetuate all the buzz or hating on the series, but I hate when people cry fake.
deathmajestic 0
not an FML freakin hott tho, can i have her #
EmilyClaire 0
Edward sucks full stop. Anybody trying to be like Edward or thinks Edward is real needs a life.
ryguy997 0
Twilight is despicable. Not to mention extremely odd. If you want hood vampire stories read the Vladimir Tod series by Heather Brewer. 'Nuff said.
victoria4161993 0
I do t like twilight but I still bite it's not an fml
kallielou 10
ryguy- I read that series :D It was pretty amazing
taylorxjeanne 0
lolz
lag96 7
stfu
badluckalex 23
howd did this not wake you up...
teentee401 37
He wasn't asleep she bit him during sex
ScaredyCat 2
you deserve it for not being turned off by a girl into "Twatlight"
netfreak 0
ahahaa
DoomJeff91 2
I think he's upset since he's on "Team Jacob."
Sun_Kissed18 25
So he would prefer to be scratched obviously!
HookEmTexas07 0
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you could have shortened this to "Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really in to Twilight. FML"
dudeitsdanny 10
"Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was on Team Edward. FML" seems more appropriate to me.
TooBored13 0
Wait, so if my gf both bites me and scratches me that means . . . SHE IS SOME KIND OF CRAZY VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF HYBRID!!!!! Quick, get the silver stakes, we have a monster to destroy.
salic77 11
faf.
DameGreyWulf 1
You expect us to pity you? lmao@4
allmidnighteyes 11
YDI for hooking up with a Twilight fan. Stupid ******* misogynistic shit like that should NEVER be passed off as actual literature. The whole series can pretty much summed up with, "EDWARD CULLEN WAS SO HAWT I CAME GLITTER" I wish I could be a deranged mormon housewife so I could make millions off a book series - based off creepy sexual fantasies for a sparkling douchenozzle - that glorifies/romanticizes shallow relationships based on lust, stalking, and werewolves falling in love with baby children.
ilg4evr 0
Wow...this comment was awesome. I'm not being sarcastic lol
katius_fml 2
I don't think it's trying to be passed off as literature, I think it's an entertaining story written for teenage girls. Some people enjoy a little escapism once in awhile. It's badly written and kind of silly but I still get a kick out of it. Who cares.
metawarr556 3
While I agree with #6, I have to say that the writing is poor to the point of humour. Read a chapter, the book is ******* hilarious.
posampo 0
best line in the pathetic excuse for a book, right after he basically shouts at bella that hes a vampire, "I knew one thing, edward was a vampire" its like comedy for freaking retards
gtrs750 5
Well, it's kinda obvious that twilight readers would need the extra confirmation.
patdbb15 6
I like the fact that this person has obviously read all the books
captaingoldfish 0
OMG i think i love you
GlambertGirl93 0
Why must everyone be so freaking awful to the Twilight series? If you don't like it, don't freaking read it. Leave all us Twi-Hards ALONE!
hbgoddard 0
To answer you're question #65, it's because Twilight is terrible. And to point out you're spelling mistake, it's actually Twi-TARDS.
lifeislife_fml 0
#61, you can read the first book, Wikipedia the rest of the series, and STILL accurately portray them. And it's funny how Twitards say to read the books before forming an opinion, and then they take that back when they realize that we still think it sucks.
DameGreyWulf 1
Dictionary: lit·er·a·ture (lĭt'ər-ə-chʊr', -chər) 2.Imaginative or creative writing, especially of recognized artistic value 3.The art or occupation of a literary writer. 5.Printed material Try again folks. If it's a book, it's literature, and it's a shitty excuse for it, too. Shitty excuse for entertainment as well.
MR_Anderson 4
is it possible to favourite comments? This is one that I would certainly favourite.
thesock339 0
#6, u, sir, are made of win
happypenguin7293 0
um ok why would this guy go through the trouble of reading everything on wiki about the twilight series if he hated it that much I love this ****** comment but I agree with 61 it was exactly what I was thinking
melissa_10 7
theres nothing wrong with a little biting... =)
Quietcannon 0
Twilight should have been your que to go. Those girls are insane...I bet your dick is covered in glitter.
star_ver 0
The real FML is that you hooked up with a Twitard. A little biting isn't so bad.
sorrysweety 0
http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/
Lisa89 3
lol.. oh cracked.com
gigi37 0
Haha. If only this ( http://g4tv.com/videos/41784/Kevin-Pereira--Olivia-Munns-Twilight-Spoof/ ) had happened before all the commotion, it could have prevented the disease.
haweb 0
I think it was a little more than just biting if it left noticeable marks that were still present the following morning.
plethora 3
Hickeys are hot, ok? :P
Subtext 10
That depends. A good one lasts for days!