Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
Bekavera 4
That's f_cking nasty....she had to have known, or she just didn't care that she has crotch rot....poor guy...
theunwiseone 4
That shit is nasty :-/
mom2five 0
Poor you, she had to of known and didn't care. Time to find someone else who takes care of their body!
gabrielle01 0
Um that's actually really dirty... Tell her to clean the beast :)
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
gabrielle01 0
Hmm an entire village maybe?
Raori 25
Poo dags?
TheFirstSamurai 18
Dead bugs?
Baagsbaseball 5
^ I see what you did there.
mrricecakes 4
Haha no, but dragons woulda made things interesting! Well my biggest problem was having to explain why I wouldn't start. I mean you can't just say 'babe your ****** is freaking nasty, blah blah'.. It's just hard to say it without hurting feelings/self esteem which made things so awkward haha
PennyRAWR 5
I feel sorry for you man. I dont know how anyone can let themselves get so dirty and overgrown. I feel like a damn cave woman if I don't 'groom' for a week, let alone let tp fuzzies exist. its actually quite painful =
linkinpark98 24
LEAST of your problems? What else was down there?
GMS1 7
Bacteria! 0_o
DiscoRanger 0
My thoughts exactly...
MigraineurOfLife 15
Crotch critters on the loose?
laurensauren 9
Period?..gag
sincerelyjay 13
Maybe she left a tampon down there.. Not even mentioning the smell.
hellbilly205 17
I was thinking teeth
evilvagina 9
it all adds to the flavour... shows she cares...
ghostlilac 25
Your username really fits the FML haha
TheEpicMilkMan 13
your going to need therapy after the tragedy she has brought upon you D':
gabrielle01 0
Totally agree, never see her the same EVER
KnFML 5
I know how he feels, i have been in the similar boat as him, exept my ex doesn't shower either FML
fmessiah 19
Next time run her a romantic bath, lit candles, bubble bath, perfume, etc and then have your way with her.
chum_mum 7
Yeah but BEFORE you have your way with her you throw that bitch in the bath and make her scrub out her mother ******* placenta OR throw a big ass bar of soap at her forehead and tell to use it...the nasty stank bitch....
thiscrazything 1
Wtf, chum mum? Oh, never mind you are right, because that's the way we should treat the people we love. Hopefully that was just sarcasm, and your not really that much of an ass.
emilyjgraham 34
um, chum_mum, you can't scrub out a 'mother-******* placenta' unless ops girlfriend is pregnant, even then it's not possible... also, she obviously doesn't mind having pubic hair as she's left it there (I personally think it's rank but if it's a must for then at least keep it trimmed and at bay) but toilet paper? eugh! I dread to think that he saw poop marks!
linkinpark98 24
chum_mum... You're a horrible person.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Damn it's been moderated. I take it was nasty from your responses lol
JoonieMoon 0
Best response ever! No insult, yet clean genitals. I did not know men thought like this.
thiscrazything 1
^ The really good men do.
caleismyth 5
you my dear sir, are a genius.
mya1234 4
yea before you start going down there wash her up
dkboo863 0
Apparently the wookie rolled around in lint, but sorry bro thats nasties thing I've heard
JessieMongoose 11
Wookiee*