Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
BobbieH 19
Intimate activities can have intimate issues. It's horrible that the first time turned out this way, but it can happen. If its like that again, problem, if not it could have just been unfortunate.
gorjess1279 2
Yuck
xxaerofox 4
What do you mean "least of your problems"? Are you saying you went in there without protection!?!?
NotInTheMoodShoo 0
Obviously it was her first time too... The TP thing happens, but you shouldn't let someone go there unless you're sure it's clean!
freezingjimmy 1
Dude that is so gross. Did You ask her to clean herself?
alexchenkov 4
That is bloody nasty. Seriously, your girlfriend should have at least basic hygiene practices before getting together with someone. This is quite scary actually. And not to mention extremely gross.
ScubaSteve802 3
Pubes are bad enough in my opinion, sorry to hear that happened to you.
SquashedSpider7 0
this is the only post that has actually made me throw up in my mouth.
bad_medicine 2
Dump her! Get someone w good hygiene! That is so sick!!!
MsConfusedd 27
First time? Last time.