Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML
Why would you do that?
Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched, "What are you doing with my panties!" FML
Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML
Self-own
Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML
Gross out competition
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML
Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML
Grossed out
Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML
Love is…
Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML
Top comments
ananicosia 28
Time to educate your girlfriend on personal hygiene
spn_fanboy14 12
Shit happens man.
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Comments (174)
spn_fanboy14 12
Shit happens man.
Talis99 26
Shit may happen, but an adult should know how to clean it up.
tomvertigo 17
Consider yourself lucky. These shitty puns usually get downvoted.
zaidthunder1 27
It's a decent shitty pun for a change.
MisterEx 28
A change. Too bad op's girlfriend doesn't believe in that :/
FSGInsainity 15
For once, a shitty shit pun that isn't shit.
TrickyDeath 14
Did it occur to you that it could be PERIOD stains because he's a guy and may not have thought of it??? If she wasn't expecting sex she probably just wore them because let's be real, LOADS of underwear gets ****** by an unexpected period.
ilytyvm 25
In my experience, loads of panties get ****** up by expected periods also. And then there's the last day or two when you think it's over because there's nothing for hours, and as soon as you think you're home free, you get slammed with another gush that ruins yet another pair of panties.
tomvertigo 17
#83 and #119 seemed to want to bring the jokes to an ass grinding hault. Bummer.
moshman_ 6
amen!
Xion0014 20
Why wear stained panties while with your boyfriend though.. Also thats why pantyliners were invented x:
Xamry14 10
Like panty liners actually prevent all stains? Lol maybe in "everything goes right" land. Plus when you think your home free from your period and it slams you for another round, not much you can do about it but accept the stain.
Bunnyluver 20
There is a difference in smell between shit and blood stains. I like that you are being optimistic!
ananicosia 28
Time to educate your girlfriend on personal hygiene
Mauskau 36
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Sometimes no matter how much you wipe, something remains and you don't always have access to babywipes, and wetting some toilet paper isn't always possible. Also it might be clean on the paper but not later on :(
heyLaddieHey 18
....in my older-than-five-years-old life, I have never had shit stains because I don't have access to baby wipes. Barring diarrhea, there's no reason a fully-functioning adult can't wipe his or her own ass.
TokioCore 17
Agree with #21, I've never left a stain like that in my life. Wipping properly with toilet paper is possible and expected.
MaT30123 19
No matter how many times you wipe, I will admit that you sometimes there will still be some crap. But there is no excuse to literally have stains, and OP said they were the mother lord if shitstains, obviously commenting on how they were noticeable.
oreoeater 21
It was never mentioned that she didn't have Diarrhoea though, or that she's a fully functioning adult...
DoomedGemini 38
My question: is it really shit? My period tends to come as a surprise and the blood stains overtime tend to look brown.
SublimeChic4 15
VERY, VERY TRUE on the period stains!
rldostie 19
I second the period stains. What a way to ruin perfectly good panties too. Periods can be sneaky like that.
oiler 21
He said the snell made him gag and almost puke, i dont thibknperiod blood smells like that
bhavnfun 12
OP never mentioned anything about a smell
MenacingMe 17
You can say that again. If they're old enough to have sex, she's old enough to know, "period stains" or not, how to wipe.
pinkponypants 12
Period stains have nothing to do with wiping... You can wipe all you want, and still get period stains, because it is unpredictable, and you can't just wipe the whole time you have your period....
Jstick 10
#115 Educate yourself on periods.
aloneingarden 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Holy shit ! Time to teach her some shit !! Goddamit
XxDanno316xX 27
Holy shit! Your comment stinks :)
JMichael 26
You tried to hard.
BlackBoyFly 11
That comment was Ass. ;)
FalloutScrolls 25
Oh...my...goodness... Anyone else gasp reading this story?
lukian_fml 29
No. Haven't you grown up yet? :>
FalloutScrolls 25
I refuse to grow up. I just get older. :)
miranda9202 15
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional XD
rebeccacmlc 22
That is some nasty shit ...
Dekat121 24
Oh gross, I feel so sorry for you OP, nothing smells worse than stained underwear *shudders*
lukian_fml 29
Depends what it's stained with ;)
lilchica22001 22
Dead bodies smell worse....I assure you. Sad side of the medical profession.
Feklfekl2222 32
You poor poor bastard... Also some sympathy for how embarrassed your girlfriend must feel
_heavenlysasa 16
Sympathy? No one should have sympathy for someone who purposely leaves shit stains in their underwear and doesn't wash their ass.
TrickyDeath 14
I mean he is a guy, they could be accidental period stains that wouldn't come out. And she probably wasn't expecting sex if she was wearing them. just saying.
thenetflox 4
You sound like a **** #80 , why the **** would she voluntarily leave a shit stain for her boyfriend to see? Accidents happen and I bet she was mortified so there's no need to be extra vicious about it.
Mylehz 13
I totally agree. It is possible that it could be menstrual stains too, sometimes wiping is difficult if you're overweight, it's also difficult if your toilet paper sucks as well - humans aren't perfect, things happen :)
BlackBoyFly 11
Aren't Tampons supposed to stop said situation though.
lemonlime66 21
#97 do you honestly think that women walk around with tampons in all the time just in case? Periods can be spontaneous, not everyone is on a 'set' schedule.
Catdragon 40
#97. Uhh not every woman uses tampons. I use pads and have never used tampons. There are other forms like the cup. Plus most or almost all periods come randomly so even if you're expecting it you'll never know what time. It's impossible to know exactly when, so if you don't have anything you're bound to stain your undies. I remember back in 5th grade I got my first period but it went away after 3 days. Almost a week later it came back when I was wearing light blue shorts in gym class. Luckily it was the end of the day and I had a jacket I could tie around myself. But it was a bloody nightmare. My shorts were stained all over and my teacher pulled me aside to tell me.
toasted1 13
Uh...... 'double up' on tampon? yikes! Sooooooooooooo glad I'm a guy!
siham_andalous 12
Double up as in tampon and pad... Not two tampons...
DedeleMan 21
Brace yourselves, all the "shit" comments are coming
ruckfules85 34
thumbs down if youd like but I dont want any girls here trying to defend her saying its natural or hes over exaggerating. It's disgusting.
TokioCore 17
It's not natural at all. :|
rachelthelime_fml 29
To be honest he probably knew it was shit from the smell, and we all know what shit snells like. It'll certainly smell different to dried blood
Feklfekl2222 32
Idk period stains can smell pretty horrific
OrganicSistah 17
Not like shit though!
anonymuse_fml 31
The FML doesn't state there was a smell. There could have been and they ran out of room to type it, but OP could also just have a high gag reflex and the idea that his mouth was that close to a perceived shit stain could have triggered it, with or without smell.
luckyduck55 12
Which is why you have set pairs for when you have your period and your good ones. Sometimes it's unavoidable though, because it can happen at any time.
BadEmpress 13
exactly! And saying she wasn't expecting sex doesn't make it okay because it doesn't matter. She should have said she wasn't in the mood or something. that's ******* gross.
Xamry14 10
If it was a blood stain... Jesus it's just blood. And if it's a stain from a while ago and has been through the wash it's really not a big deal. Turning down sex just because your wearing underwear that has a really old stain on it? Maybe back in my (late of course) teenage years but as adults I'm sure the sex would win over something that insignificant.
Witchylady 18
That is something you will never do again.