Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML
Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML
Today, I found a massive tick on my boyfriend's ballsack. I found it with my tongue. FML
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML
Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
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Top comments
MtnDew32 0
A tick on your dick? Ew, that's sick.
IceeCreamm 7
wow maybe having a bigger penis is not that bad?
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Comments (505)
ATLBOI770 0
how did it get there
ATLBOI770 0
I never thought I would be the first one to comment a fml itz hard af finally :)
arlekin21 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
bad hygiene
changesinme 0
was probably from that new penis enlargement 'surgery' he went
maskedman 9
he probably ****** a bush.
DrewSmooth 0
are you kidding me!?!? your penis is now bigger, that's a win.
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
yeah most men would be happy there ding-a-ling was bigger, whats wrong with u man???
bbucaro98 0
that probably hurt to pull off
braasilianx0 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
if it really got there from bad hygiene, gross.
thatcrazyredneck 0
it gets there when u are walking outside and it gets on your foot or leg. then crawls all the way to your man parts. it happend to me before and the sweeling was probubly from some desease the tick was carrying, so the bigger penis is a very bad thing
whiskuit 0
YDI for finding a tick on your penis. After 4 hours he finally let go. Your penis is now twice it's normal size. You won the battle but lost the war.
pablothepenguin 2
Call of duty (; (too bad u lost the war)
DesB 7
It also could have when he pulled the tic off the the little stinger or mouth was still in his penis and that would have caused it to swell up... That's what happened to my two month old puppy... Unfortunately she died because of it :'(
ILoveVilleValo 0
your penis is bigger.? you should be happier OP! it may be painful but you know.. no pain no gain :P
stephanie911_fml 0
ticks just crawl anywhere if you've been hiking/ out in the woods/ ect. I get them & I have very great hygiene. it's just like having Mosquitos bite you,
boyguydudemalema 0
he's complaining about bigger penis because it probably doesn't fit in the bush anymore.
boyguydudemalema 0
I agree with 120. Heck, if I'm a tick i certainly wouldn't wanna hang around a person with bad hygiene, especially if I'm planning on attaching myself to someone's pubic hair. Just saying.
kurquizu 3
What does OP mean? like I know it's the person that posted but what does it stand for?
tweetbaby14 18
actually, 121, I've heard they're moving from the forests and whatnot to backyards because of the weather, but that's just what I've been hearing.
juanaranda1015 4
130- OP means original poster
coolscale 6
I am finding a tick for my dick!
nolaneldridge 1
women trying to understand call of duty like 87. hilarious
ItWasAllWorthIt 0
"Unfortunately she died because of it" Good job frightening OP.
sassypants93 17
167- I play call of duty, and I rock at it. Suck it up. Not every girl sucks at it.
ShyAnn29 15
that's why you don't pull ticks off, their heads stay attached inside, that's probably why it swelled up
SteelCladAngel 0
actually you can get the head out by grasping the tick with tweezers if the head stayed in OP may have just pulled at the tick with his fingers.
MissBunnyWillEat 11
167, you're just mad because when girls play, we kick your little chode into next week.
BossDavyy 0
This reminds me of that one colledgehumor video when that guy gets owned by the girls.
InanimateObject 0
in this case. oversized penis
kjtiger 0
original post
cummbubble 0
can you say... Lady pleaser?
MyScrewedUpLifeS 0
he put his d*ck in the dirt!
nyrangers1022 6
weird, my old job i always had ticks on me cuz it required me to walk through the woods. Usually i jus brushed them off my clothes, occasionally one would bite me. so i pulled them out, but never got swollen from them. prob gave a disease like lymes
theUBERcomment 1
okay 167 I'm a man and you're a sexist dick. I've seen girls that kick more ass a video games than you ever could. guys like u shud Stfu and respect girls. and OP you should have used vaseline. they can't breathe so they leave.
whyXD 13
he should of checked that the ticks head wasn't left inside, that's what cuase the penis to grow. happened to me once.
ryanliechty 0
uuum i dont see the problem? u won the battle AND the war. u got the tick off and u got a bigger penis
1waytoolive 1
oh to much tug of war with your junk?
natirixoxo 0
wait, I'm sorry, TWICE the normal size? This could be a good thing ....
gleek47 0
I'm sorry 87 what does call of duty have to do with a tick and a bigger penis?
thtsuxs 0
if it turned 2x for a tick bite the first 1x probably wasn't tht big to begin with
shoopd 19
I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I *think* what we may be dealing with here is called an "erection".
0430chloe 0
WTF does op mean..?
insidejokeswithm 0
op= original poster
ImanAzol 4
Unless it's got Lyme Disease and needs amputation
YDI__Bitch 0
don't complain that it is twice the normal size! celebrate even if it's just swollen some woman somewhere will appreciate it
cgyguy 0
except with the lovely Lyme disease
MerrikBarbarian 9
only if you pull them off wrong. where I live ticks are everywhere and peak years you can't step outside without being bitten. just grasp them firmly as close to the head as you can and pull then wash with anti bacteria soap. I've lost count of how many tick bites I've had
CandyCanesRCool 6
awe I'm so sorry :(
raenoleah 12
i've been wondering the same thing for 2 years... but nobody ever answers so i just gave up :-P
raenoleah 12
ooohhhh i thought it meant "other person" T.T
raenoleah 12
original poster
bubbles944770 0
wow
namesarehardtoth 0
I like puppies =3
baseballstuf52 0
umm... I think you did win the war
brightnite 0
Fun fact parasites and bloodsuckers will attach more to people with better hygiene.
iLikeWaffles155 5
Maybe he stuck his dick in the dirt and tried to **** the whole universe??
skinflint 6
h8r
jessiemarie95 0
Your a ******* nerd, get a life dude
vinny2897 0
lmfaooo
vinny2897 0
i love this girl.
vinny2897 0
ohh shitt, thatz fkn scary
vinny2897 0
veryy truee
_LE4RN_ 4
175- That's just because you're ugly as ****. Rule #1 of CoD, any girl who plays is either a lesbian, ugly, fat, or trying to get guys to like them for playing CoD.
TheNewGuy03 29
The tick had a tic that attracts it to dicks. OP is ticked off.
IceeCreamm 7
wow maybe having a bigger penis is not that bad?
eminemchick 19
hey where can i pick you up? haha jk
MrsLender_fml 3
Now men all over the world will be trying the new "a tick for your dick" enlargement treatment.
xlord 27
is this problem ticking you off?
DisappearingRose 18
Exactly what I thought. Maybe having a bigger dick isn't bad. Time to get into bed to have some fun! ;D
fthislyfe 22
my boyfriend should try it
asherb0y 9
53 - bitch
MizzErikaHart 8
74 - small penis now now, I'm jk.. I don't kno u or what have.
MrSassypants 34
82- you... stupid silly ****. Sorry, I kinda wanted to continue it.
schmelia 10
As long as he doesn't get Lyme disease or some other tick-related infection...
astrotacohead 0
it's provably still under 5inch
jacquay09 3
roasssst!!!!
ahhhFYL 0
are you kidding me? you won the damn war.
cooluka 0
yeah but being in the hospital and explayning to the doctor or nurse what happend is.
davizv 0
there's a difference between havin a big Wang and being stretched out.
Kawboy 1
Take away the pain, leave the swelling!
tiger067 0
lol. true! :D
Drigr 9
lol. 53 thinks their bf has a tiny penis.
MistaXaEro_Chris 0
Boner?
minecraft_fml 4
the phenomenon of a penis getting bigger is called an erection.
krazyvato 0
lil Wayne doesn't need that he jumongus
iSitt 0
if it lasts more than four hours, you know what to do
GetOwnedPuppy 0
this isn't a bad thing...
Melli17 3
win!!^
browntiga 0
exactly bigger dick without viagara
CommonSenseKarma 17
I would think a swelled penis is painful, and more so when OP has an erection. Just think about it... or not.
snowdrift 6
i don't understand how this is an FML..he has a big dick..(:
XxlegitpandaxX 0
yeah like a bigger penis is ever bad
zarden 0
won. not one.
mashamanya 0
thank you
ILuffYou 0
when is having a huge dick ever a bad thing??
Ugi 27
When it does black and falls off I would imagine!
Buchitoo 4
And its probably painful.
maskedman 9
I thought the ladies loved a big black dick. I'm not sure how they feel about being able to take it with them.
pablothepenguin 2
When she has a REALLLLLY small mouth?
StrangerDangerr 0
do you have a small mouth
BigOrca 2
I guess I need to find me a tick and make my dick swell.
airborn54 0
when it's the result if an arachnid biting your dick then it's a bad thing dumb ass
Zdog101 0
ur a poet n dint even no it
ErbodyLuvsDaLulz 4
It's called Lyme Disease, Dipshit. Would you want an infection from a tick's stomach contents making your penis swollen? I doubt it..
Kalob10 0
When there's a tick attached to it...
geoLa16 0
dude ticks have poison
nevergo 10
a penis twice its normal size.....wouldnt most people just call that an erection? =P
izzie321 27
He probably didn't use tweezers and caused the tick to vomit into his blood system. While you're at the hospital you should plow a hot nurse while your penis is still swolen.
MtnDew32 0
A tick on your dick? Ew, that's sick.
fmylife1133249 1
^genius
kamiicult 0
I like you sir.
jennifer93 0
thank you Dr. Seuss
XxSKELETOxX 0
Lol headcrab FTW
Nosah 3
That's from a song, my mom sings it. 0.0
ImaWiseGuy 5
haha, tick dick....
bringmepieskm 0
I tip my hat to you good sir.
Felix_Felicis15 8
Hahaha that was excellent!
reebokkid123 14
You win my good sir
terran36 0
smart
mlovecats 0
very creative. props to you.
playwithmyjunk 3
win
Franswah 0
EPIC WIN!
kendallhi 9
haha that is so funny
TheTerenity 9
Balls to You, Sir...
bloodshedblack 5
even his name rhymes!!
tessie98love 0
ahaha clever. that rhymed. I liked it.
kag525 5
aha! true XD
XXizzlerXX 0
hehe funny
atsirk 0
classic good fellow
kevind_fml 0
i bet this guys name is rick ^.^ lol
bandgirrl 9
good show, jolly good show indeed. (:
bentleysdad11611 0
maybe your mom reads FML and can't get this out of her head ????
fwedwick 3
I approve of your rhyme.
izzie321 27
Tick is on my dick, tick i- tick is on my dick. Tick is on my dick, tick i- tick is on my dick. Tick i- tick is on my dick.
sexaybitch 14
Well aren't we getting all Dr.Suess up in here!
kyanisaurus 0
tick gone, penis bigger. you've won both the battle and the war!
NomOnShroomz 14
Win, win situation.
pedobear123 0
round two ;) I got this!
cumverg 0
Pedobear wins. Period
Nimmrodel 11
Why has no one asked, is it bigger in girth or length, one Is bad the other good.
emmiep1011 7
you got the tick and bow have a big dick. where's the issue?
SighMaster3000 4
The fact that it would be infected and no doubt incredibly painful so he wouldn't be able to make use of it.
cgchamp89 7
No pain, no gain...
jimmy9511 0
emmiep1011, ur hot:)
NickCassell 2
Swelling is different then enlargement, as it might have caused infection.
jessyrodgers 0
he dosent have anyone to use his newly enlarged member on that could be a problem
Jbfu 0
gotta push through the pain! it's what the tick would have wanted
iislix1ii 19
win.
Kochy 0
I dont think any1 wants an infected dick in them.
Ugi 27
OP - since most ticks come from sheep, I have to wonder - what exactly were you doing around sheep with your dick out?
whatfml 0
from sheep? What the hell do you base that theory on? You can get a tick from walking in the bush, even with no sheep around! jackass
StrangerDangerr 0
maybe he's that guy from American Pie
blondebrunette11 4
guys, he was obviously hiding in a bush having sex with a sheep...DUH
thrfunnyryguy 0
maybe he calls his wife a sheep and was in her bush...
BigOrca 2
Sheep are better than women they can't say no. and if u wear high boots then you put their back feet in them. they can't get away.
SteelCladAngel 0
ticks don't 'come from sheep' you ignorant **** they live in the grass and weeds and crawl onto unlucky animals or humans walking by.
Ugi 27
Google Ixodes_ricinus and you will discover that, around here, the tick's most common host is the sheep and therefore they are most commonly caught in the vicinity of sheep. They are not known as "the sheep tick" entirely at random. However, that's beside the point. It was a cheap shot at a guy whose day could only really be made worse by a burgeoning reputation as a sheep-shagger. Accuracy was only a detail.
Staige40 0
or you could get a tick on your leg from a walk in the back yard And it crawls up
sydneyalexa 0
you can get ticks from almost anywhere dumbass.
meggieh815 0
or he was peeing outside.
squeaker07 15
161 - do you have any idea how creepy that sounded?! O_O "they can't get away"!?!?! Stop putting your dick in those sheeps' bushes!
KGirl123 3
must be Scottish lol jkz
Ijas 2
Don't **** dogs next time
germanboi22 0
lol
Happiness2Joy 3
Do dogs also get ticks? Or do they just get fleas? Or both?
SighMaster3000 4
30 - they get both.
BWill9014 4
I lol'd
rugby_girl 3
dear, having a big penis isn't bad. you'll impress the nurses.
dgr8ing 0
I am sorry but I hate you "build it bigger". how can someone piss away our resources, and advertise they have a small dick? they can drive your POS.
dgr8ing 0
*better not bigger but my point still stands!
aardvarkish 17
112, do you need to talk to a chaplain?