Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML
Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML
Today, I found a massive tick on my boyfriend's ballsack. I found it with my tongue. FML
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML
Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
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Top comments
MtnDew32 0
A tick on your dick? Ew, that's sick.
IceeCreamm 7
wow maybe having a bigger penis is not that bad?
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Comments (505)
jackiemoonthepro 5
I have now discovered the answer to a bigger penis
joelryan22 0
how the **** do you "discover a tick". how can it even get that gross to where you "discover" anything? sick. keep your shit clean bro.
RileyL29 0
After being out in any wooded area, it's best to check for ticks. And I'm sure a tick on a dick would stick out well.
Zebidee 9
Saw. Found. Uncovered. Revealed. Espied. Detected. Whatever the ****. How can you not get that part of this story?
joelryan22 0
uh ok zebidee. I never said I didn't understand the story. What I'm saying is it should stick out easily to where you notice it right away. instead of like, "oh I discovered a tick".
Sensquared 1
lol
Jaxx66 21
actually.... you don't have your man parts hanging out all day. so when you come back from hiking/camping you have a friend check, or you do a once over to find ticks and mites. I'd rather have a tick than chiggers. those things burrow and itch much worse :(
USMCSNIPER209 0
damn you look beautiful
Sub_Zero_is_God 13
ouch!!
dmoantwan 0
no, ur pic is ouch
alex6946 10
your picture is creepy.
Happiness2Joy 3
There are 2 ways that I know of on how to get rid of ticks. Get a string and tie a knot around the tick really tight and slightly tug until he comes off. Or get a needle that has something in it that freezes that one spot the tick is and since the tick can't find anymore blood, it will move to a new spot so you will have to have a container ready to let it fall in there. AND THEN KILL IT WITH FIRE!
fthku 13
You're not supposed to pull ticks. That's how OP probably ended up in the hospital. You're supposed to burn it- heat up something and press it against the tick, so it gets out and moves on its own. If you pull it, pieces of the tick (which were inside you) will stay inside and can cause various complications. I assumed this was all pretty basic knowledge, do people (mostly OP) really not know this?
TheDrifter 24
No, just the city born and bred ones whose entire stock of outdoor knowledge came from other people who live their lives in high-rises, locked away from nature.
omgstoparguing 10
Actually, now the (medical) thinking is using fire may aggravate the tick and make it release its toxins. You grab the tick closest to its point of attachment, and pull with tweezers.
fthku 13
I don't know about the new "medical thinking" so I won't respond on it, even though I have personally stung two ticks (that were on me, not my privates though, thankfully) and almost immediately after doing that they let go and ran away in a hurry. I do know that tweezers are a bad idea. Even if there is a correct way of doing this, most people would not do well- A large number of people would freak out and try to remove it as fast as possible, others would just not be patient, squeeze too hard etc - all those reasons and more would cause pieces of the tick to remain in your skin. If you don't think you should burn the tick off, you're probably better off going to a hospital than trying to pull it yourself.
TheDrifter 24
I'm not sure what "medical" advice column you have been reading, but pulling ticks is a terrible idea. The tick will try to hold on and you will inevitably tear parts attempting it, leaving toxins behind. Putting something hot on or near the tick is much more effective at getting it to leave voluntarily.
Bandnerd1 2
yes like a match, light it, blow it out and put it on the tick, it should walk itself out
ds_kyle 0
Never pull a tic out. Make it uncomfortable enough to back out of your skin. Heat is the easiest way. rubbing baby oil on it will work too, because it will not be able to breathe unless it gets it's head out.
goliatron 9
LOLOL dumbass, getting a bigger johnson is no cause for hospitalization!
schmelia 10
His dick is swollen, which implies infection. Given that ticks can carry various diseases, I'd say that is definitely cause to get it checked out.
sebastianduarte1 0
goliatron, you are such a retarded fag.
nhcutie96 0
fell better!:)
stevenmx86 8
10, where do you get your facts? Moron. There are ticks everywhere... There are no sheep around where I live and our dogs are constantly getting them.. I love how people just spout crap to try to sound smart..
Bandnerd1 2
I agree, just cause you get one in your happy place doesn't mean you did a thing!
TheMonica 0
That's... odd. I always thought ticks liked to attach themselves to hairy places (hence why my beagle is always getting them). So you either have hair on your dick, extremely long pubes, or are just very unlucky.
iridescent15 0
not really, since I found one on my side the other day.
SteelCladAngel 0
they attach themselves to places with blood flow
deathtrap 0
so how do u explain snakes having ticks. u make no sense
lanzars 0
x2 penis? stop complaining
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
a tick... is that some kinda bug?
Zebidee 9
Jesus Christ. Would it have taken longer to type that or to just punch 'tick' into Google? Yes. It's a bug. They suck blood. if you don't remove them properly, they can cause infection.
Senseless_487 29
A tick is not a bug. It's an arachnid. I know, I'm nitpicking, but if we're gonna educate, let's teach the right thing.
pYrO92583 0
no it's a parasitic insect
Zebidee 9
I was using 'bug' in its broadest sense of land-based arthropod. I don't think in this case the distinction between an insect and an arachnid is important, especially in the case of someone that didn't know what a tick was in the first place. Oh and 'nitpicking' - LOL. #72, #69 is right.
DocBastard 40
Senseless - you've just become FML's first Arthropodology Nazi. Well done. :)