Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML
Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML
Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML
Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the park. I found a nice shady spot and closed my eyes. When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep on an ant hill. My entire body was riddled with ants. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML
Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I felt an itch on my arm. Then another. Then another. I finally looked to see what was going on, only to find a bunch of ants crawling in my bed. They were somehow getting in through the closed window. Guess I’m done sleeping tonight. FML
Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML
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Top comments
howard007 18
Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch
MagnusDeus 24
Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP
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Comments (61)
xxjordan715xx 17
I'm sorry OP, that must really suck. Hopefully they can give you some medicine to help with swelling and pain!
False_Stupidity 42
I'm sure this is not what OP had in mind for having a swell time...
onlychildFTW 34
Well once it clears up at least he won't be unsuckable anymore. (OPs name)
MagnusDeus 24
Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP
incoherentrmblr 22
Talk about a Cockburn...
TheAnon1313 28
Aw you poor guy. Hope the doctor managed to prescribe something to help with the pain.
Garrett2818 21
Damn that's ****** up. At least you probably have some solid girth now hahahah.
nikkipettyfer 24
Oh my.....
danthehuman 29
:(
IridianShadow 20
You shouldn't make it a habit to fall asleep outside. What happened was truly awful. But at the very least it wasn't a Brazilian walking spider.
I_Like_Dogs 28
Is there such thing as a Brazilian spider? Well shit.
IamHercules 24
"How much is a Brazilian?"
JustinJK 21
Brazilian wandering spiders are scary af
I_Like_Dogs 28
Holy shit I just googled it. We call it "armadeira", never knew it was common here. Goodbye cruel world.
MaximumBeat 16
I'm so sorry OP, and considering that fire ants are related to bees and wasps, and not ants, that must have been a pain. Also you may want to take Benadryl to keep the histamine reaction down. Feel better soon OP!
AnOriginalName 19
Well bees, ants, and wasps are all in the family Hymenoptera so they're all related to each other. It's just that some species hurt a lot more than others.
Aquila_Umbrae 26
Well that certainly bites.
howard007 18
Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch