Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML
Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML
Today, I was in a rush to get ready for work so I quickly shaved my legs. In my haste, I accidentally nicked myself in a very sensitive area and had to spend the day simmering in discomfort and checking my crotch every so often to make I wasn't bleeding through my pants. FML
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Top comments
Exodiafinder687 58
Why did you have to rush to the hospital? Your wife could have just sucked the spider venom out.
712sash 26
Well, would you rather prefer a spider bite on your penis?
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Comments (59)
Dreamsorrow93 24
I really hope you didn't get an erection while being fondled by the doctor.
Dreamsorrow93 24
If hate to be the guy who pops a boner during the bend and cough.
Badkarma4u 17
That happened to me when I had an attractive woman doctor.
xSphinx 18
As a fellow human with a penis, I can assure you that even if the doctor were as attractive as you two ladies, popping an erection in a freezing room is near impossible unless you're both close enough to keep me warm haha
Retaheki 27
Smooth as ****, #37.
Badkarma4u 17
Speak for yourself. I habe no problem getting wood, warm room or cold room.
thatguythat 9
Since you had to say that, I must say, as a guy, that most guys actually get at least a partial during that.
712sash 26
Well, would you rather prefer a spider bite on your penis?
punwpa 12
Rock hard Spiderdick with some spider sense.
tantanpanda 26
shooting "webs" everywhere...
Exodiafinder687 58
Why did you have to rush to the hospital? Your wife could have just sucked the spider venom out.
dragoongirl90 34
That's what I was thinking!
papygeorges 17
Might be dangerous if she swallows though...
SystemofaBlink41 27
The only instance where spitters are winners.
Vitotaylor36 13
#29, as far as I know, most venoms aren't deadly when ingested. May make you sick large quantity, but not kill you. I know people drink rattlesnake venom as part of cult initiations and they don't die.
Retaheki 27
#34 is correct, unless you have a cut somewhere in your digestive system, ingesting venom is completely harmless because they work through the bloodstream.
tantanpanda 26
#12, by your logic, you would be thrown in jail for telling someone you think they have a sore throat. What you're talking about probably only applies to diagnosing real patients in a hospital setting. *Damn mobile, posted it in the wrong part.
ToxicTyrael 26
That bites!
NebulaNick 12
Dammit man
Laxinitup 18
Too bad it wasn't a spider bite; you could have asked her to kiss your boo-boo..
bearstyle22 11
Better safe then sorry I guess.
acommonman 23
she convinced you that a spider bit your penis? and you believed this?
jerryj 27
You just don't take any risks when you're dealing with the health of your penis.
Retaheki 27
If there was a chance I'd been bit on the dick by anything, I wouldn't take chances.
tantanpanda 26
She's a nurse. You'd expect an accurate diagnosis.
gintwinsmoore 20
a nurse...not a ******* doctor!!!!
A07 48
Why did you have to stand completely starkers in the ER? your wife did say penis didn't she?
Jinxsie 27
Penis naked = Starkers naked
mmoments 24
I'd take an ingrown hair over a spider bite any day.
jkp1291 25
How awful would it be if you found out she was just messing with you in the first place?