Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 24/12/2017 00:22

Today, I found an opened packet of nerds on the floor of my bedroom. I dumped some into my mouth, before realizing that the packet was filled with webs. I ate a spider. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 131

By My_Brand - 23/12/2017 16:30 - United States - Round Rock

Today I just missed the mailman. I literally pull into my driveway just as they got into their truck. they looked right at me and still drove off my package still in the truck. I am the last house on the route and the post office is closed till Wednesday due to holidays FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 15

By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 15:34 - United States - Roseville

Today, after almost 10 weeks, I'm still waiting on my husband to put our daughter's dresser together. Her clothes have been all over the floor since before she was born, almost 8 weeks ago. He's currently passed out on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 23

By Coyote - 23/12/2017 17:59

Today, I found out I can't get the anxiety MED refill that my doctor told me was the "last thing I should have anxiety about". I run out Monday. I start a new job Wednesday. I can't function without it, especially not if I go into withdrawal from it. Merry Christmas! FML.

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 17

By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 11:31

Today, I finally opened up to my therapist about how I used to torture wild rabbits when I was a kid because my dad used to beat me. She called me a monster, kicked me out of her office, and told me I was banned from her practice. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 56

By Emily - 23/12/2017 11:14

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. We have been fighting for a while about active consent, and I tried to convince him that consent must be given at all times. He got me to the edge of a climax... and then said "I'm tired" and got up and left. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 134

By Robert - 23/12/2017 00:48 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my "nephew" told my sister that she is in fact a strait, cisgender girl and that the last 5 years was just "a phase." The whole procedure cost our family over $20,000, and part of the genre reassignment procedure involved chemically destroying her uterus. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 28

By Victoria - 23/12/2017 08:15

Today, I went on my first date. We went to the movies, and as we were watching the previews, an adult walked up to us and asked if he could sit next to us. He walked away and walked up a few rows and sat down. A few seconds later, my date whispers, "that's my dad."

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 13

By Myfry - 23/12/2017 04:41

Today, on the train a kid tried to steal one of the fries I was eating. When I said she couldn't just grab something that didn't belong to her, her dad told me I should just give her some since I didn't need all of them. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 6

By Steffen - 22/12/2017 11:51

Today, I woke up at 4.15, remembering that I forgot to put a parking permit in my car. When running down to do it, I looked out the window to see a man looking at the car. When I got down, he had written a ticket and was gone. That's when I realised that I forgot my key to get back inside.

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 41

By Robert - 22/12/2017 10:27

Today, I told a therapist that I want to live in my father's house. She then told me that my mother's behavior as I described it, was that of a psychopath- and I must be a liar because "only men are psychopaths." She told my mother everything and told the children's worker not to listen to me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 6

By "Brain_fart" - 22/12/2017 07:03

Today, I helped a client whose legal name was Cocaine. Cocaine was on meth. He was angry his account was blocked due to multiple fraudulent checks he'd cashed out, yet he was still the most friendly client I encountered today. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 22/12/2017 05:24

Today, I discovered how to lose the rest of the baby weight. All I had to do was get the flu that rejects anything I put into my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 11

By Blondebutnot - 22/12/2017 02:12

Today I am experiencing whiplash for the first time. I'm 3 days post accident. I also have fibromyalgia, my period & are catching a cold. The kicker? I have a very active 2 year old (plus school aged kids). I'm a stay at home mom, barely able to move & Christmas is 3 days away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 14

By gondormarton - 22/12/2017 00:52 - Hungary - Debrecen

Today I realized I have been attending the wrong class the whole semester. The 2 classes have the same name and the teachers are father and son, so they share last and first names. I picked the wrong one and this was the last class needed for my boss. I guess I wasted another semester... FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 34

By Shuntbob - 22/12/2017 00:24

Today, my girlfriend told me she just wanted to be friends again and hold off on a relationship. I was already depressed, so I went to my mother for help and someone to talk to. She said she told my father the same thing. My parents have been divorced for 11 years. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 12

By Kitten - 21/12/2017 13:44 - United States - Port Orchard

Today I'm making my family some Mexican style pasta. It has corn and whole grain pasta and many Mexican spices.... I'm allergic and could die from basically all of it, including making it, but my whole family wants it for dinner. This includes my husband who can't kiss me after eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 45

By ewdadgross - 21/12/2017 12:26 - United States - Hamilton

Today my sister and I had to clean out my father's trailer after he passed. I was clearing out the bathroom and found what I THOUGHT was a flashlight. It wasn't a flashlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 12

By SleepyGuy - 21/12/2017 14:45

Today, my wife kicked me out of the bed in the middle of the night and wouldn't let me back in, claiming our son was crying. Our son was sound asleep, and she has no memory of this. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 6

By Jingle heart - 21/12/2017 12:42

Today, right before Christmas, I found out I have a rare genetic, congenital heart disease that will have to be monitored for the rest of my life. Not only do I have palpitations, dizziness, and fatigue, but from my research two thirds of sufferers develop heart failure. Merry Christmas! FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 4

By rawbeanss - 20/12/2017 18:08 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today I found out that the same tooth brush I’ve been using for months is the same toothbrush my dad uses for his goatee. I’ve been using this toothbrush since I bought it over 6 months ago and so has he... FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 20

By Anonymous - 20/12/2017 09:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, and every other time my daughter misbehaves in school, I make her do chores as a punishment. Today is also the day her teacher approached me concerned, saying, "is it true you make your daughter handle poop when she acts out in class?" I make her clean up our dog poop with a shovel... FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 15

By Karma’s Bitch - 20/12/2017 03:56

I received an email from my kid’s teacher. She’s concerned about their grade. I get to the end and the name is of the woman my husband had an affair with just months after our wedding years before. I hoped it wasn’t actually her. But of course it is. And now we have to have a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 12

By "Tpowww" - 20/12/2017 03:08

Today, I found out that my Mom has lied to me my whole life after I received a Facebook message from her ex boyfriend from High School telling me that he is my Dad. I've always wondered why I don't look like my sister's at all. We agreed to do a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 5

By Anonymous - 19/12/2017 20:42

Today, I bought my 16 year old son his first phone. He used to call the police to say he was being kidnapped while on the bus to school.

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 15

By Jana Frömming - 19/12/2017 15:55 - Germany

Today, I learned that I'm even too dumb to make myself food. All I had to do was pouring hot water in a bowl. But no, I had to pour it over my hand and get a second degree burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 53

By I was your Betty - 19/12/2017 11:16

Today, while me and my boyfriend were waiting for our food we discussed how this one female character was similar to how I am in real life. My boyfriend looked at me up and down before stating “well yeah, except her sexy bod.” Thanks for the confidence boost Hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 11

By Zephy - 19/12/2017 07:35

Today, as I was leaving for work I started my motor bike and put on my helmet. While on the road I felt something wiggly on my forehead and after a second or two I found out a house lizard was in my helmet. I am scared of house lizards and almost crashed into a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 14

By donuts are my life - 18/12/2017 12:52 - United States - San Jose

Today, a guy I arrested, pulled a 'get out of jail free' card from his back pocket and asked to use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 16

By Dontbalancethebudgetonme - 18/12/2017 10:28 - United States

Today, I woke up to an email from the bank saying my account was overdrawn by 100 billion, not million, billion dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 11

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The Top

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that included the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 418

You deserved it 3 019

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 953

You deserved it 7 813

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 605

You deserved it 4 398

Today, my wife insisted we try anal until we “got it right”. Well, she complained through the whole thing, wouldn’t let me quit, blamed me when I inevitably did orgasm and she didn’t, and then moaned about how it stings and needing a shower. I don’t even like anal, it’s not my thing at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 351

Today, I realized my boyfriend never argues with me when I'm right, but goes to great lengths when I'm not. As a result, in the five years we've been together, he has won every single argument we ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 1 849

Today, according to a wild Karen, I shouldn’t be allowed to use a disabled bay because I don’t look disabled. I mean sure, I have a prosthetic leg, but I look "normal" so I’m not allowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 109