Random Spicy

By je_regrette_tout - 09/03/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 223

You deserved it 66 296

Paradise Lost

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 577

You deserved it 3 315

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 462

You deserved it 63 242

By kharrington - 07/04/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 702

You deserved it 3 539

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 23:29 - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 915

You deserved it 12 248

That kidnapped kink

By georgiahick - 30/12/2010 14:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 865

You deserved it 6 115

Poor Henry

By SierraCheyenne - 26/03/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 557

Soundproofing

By Anonymous - 18/05/2024 19:00

Today, after days of hearing our new neighbour abusing his wife, my wife went round to confront him while on the phone with the police. Turns out they are just really into their BDSM and had no idea how loud they were being. They have costumes, toys and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 198

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 00:01

Today, my ex messaged me on Facebook, wanting to be friends with benefits. I’m married now, and he just found out his wife is expecting. She discovered the messages, and I’m now the “home wrecker.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 114

Thanks, asshat

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 18:53 - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 554

You deserved it 4 193

By Anonymous - 20/10/2012 04:03 - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 741

You deserved it 12 653

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 406

You deserved it 32 251

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 120

You deserved it 5 697

That's a hard no from me, dawg

By soontobesingle - 19/03/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 197

You deserved it 5 019

By imsorrylove - 31/03/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 229

You deserved it 33 155

Small comforts

By Anonymous - 22/03/2020 22:36

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 758

You deserved it 200

By James - 22/07/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 949

You deserved it 12 133

By involuntary waxing - 15/01/2012 09:00 - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 132

You deserved it 4 326

I swear

By maharaja - 06/08/2019 12:00

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 049

You deserved it 135

By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 019

You deserved it 18 576

I LOVED THAT LITTLE GUY

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 05:46 - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 221

You deserved it 8 521

By scalmon - 13/05/2011 17:08 - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 375

You deserved it 67 588

Wankers

By Anonymous - 23/08/2016 08:38

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off, so he decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying, "If God doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 271

You deserved it 2 913

Guitar ****

By massachusettsan - 25/06/2014 00:07 - United States - Monomoy Island

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 639

You deserved it 8 935

Business tip

By Anonymous - 28/12/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I found a necklace on Marketplace identical to one my wife lost years ago, so I agreed on a price and drove over to get it for Christmas. There was no necklace and I now know that prostitutes will pretend to sell an item they’re photographed wearing, when in fact they are selling themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 160

Cucked

By Anonymous - 21/12/2021 20:01

Today, my wife confessed to me that she used to sext her old coworker, and almost had sex with him. The bad part is that it turned me on. Should I encourage her? FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 1 170

By Jack - 30/11/2010 08:48

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 918

You deserved it 3 699

We need to talk

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 19:29 - Canada - Foam Lake

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 689

You deserved it 2 989

By Anonymous - 04/12/2014 19:33 - United States

Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 661

You deserved it 3 323

By RedWaters - 06/03/2013 20:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 556

You deserved it 15 918

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 749

You deserved it 2 920

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 128

You deserved it 4 465

Today, at work I had to handle two selfish parents returning their adopted 6 year-old daughter to foster care because, “She doesn’t, like, fit with our lifestyle, and my mom is, like, too old to babysit her anymore and we, like, can’t afford a nanny.” I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 084

You deserved it 129

Today, working at McDonald’s, I get lunch money on top of my salary. Well, actually I don’t *get* the money, I can eat the money. No freestyling though, only items that are actually on the menu. I guess my health and my figure won’t be lovin' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 303

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 540

You deserved it 6 674

Today, I don't know what to do to be a good husband. In my wife's eyes, I can’t do anything right. I asked to have more quality time with her but she would rather play video games than spending time with me. I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 126