Nearly FMLs

By Lady Virus - 02/01/2018 08:12

Today I am nursing a stomach bug, not only was I sleeping on the bathroom floor last night, but I also have to work today. HR refuses to find someone to do my shift and I have just missed the loo and vomited on my uniform. FML!

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 8

By "Ryuuchild666" - 02/01/2018 01:03

Today, someone added to much chlorine to the pool at work. It got so bad we had to close down the pool for health reasons, and almost all the employees ended up sick. I've scrubbed myself red and I still can't get the smell of it off my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 6

By Cas - 01/01/2018 22:39

Today I took my dog to the Bass Pro shop. When he saw another dog he slipped out of his collar, ran across the store, tried to screw the other dog and pissed on some expensive clothes. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 84

By loner forever - 01/01/2018 20:35

Today, a girl went from being free to already having plans in the time I asked her on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 13

By SyntheticDC - 01/01/2018 18:03

Today I started off the New Year right, by getting broken up with over a text message while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

By BadTouch - 01/01/2018 23:06 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my mum couldn't work my daughter's new singing Elsa doll despite the obvious button brooch on her chest and the arrow on the box saying 'press here'. She was squeezing the doll's tummy because "The toy company wouldn't encourage children to touch Elsa's breasts". FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 01/01/2018 11:17 - Estonia

Today, it was New Year's eve and my 9 year old sister called me after midnight. I gladly thought she called me to wish me a happy new year. In fact, she called me to ask what our wifi password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 6

By parent - 01/01/2018 06:26

Today, I found out that my son intercepted the package of drug tests I ordered and threw them out. I spent hundreds of dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 39

By Jenem - 31/12/2017 20:19 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my local mental health trust phoned to offer me a place in a group therapy workshop. I suspect I'm far too awkward to speak up in the group. Unfortunately, I'm also far too awkward to tell the woman on the phone that, so looks like I'm going to group! FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 60

By AkaiKitsune - 31/12/2017 09:23 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I realized that it had rained sometime during the night before and the ground had frozen solid at some point. I found this out when my horse spooked while mounting, took off, and dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 15

By Banana - 31/12/2017 12:06 - United States - Frederick

Today, my new automatic car starter was installed as a Christmas gift. I'm so excited, I was carrying it in my back pocket to start the car randomly throughout the day. I went to pee and as I stood to flush, it fell out of my pocket and flushed down the toilet. Day 1, it's gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 31/12/2017 11:52 - United States

Today, my fitness instructor brother decided it would be a good idea to force me to go on a four mile run with him. In sub-freezing temperatures. While I was recovering from a bad cold. Which he was well aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 17

By Zozya - 31/12/2017 17:24

Today I met a guy off tinder. We met at the supermarket to get booze to make cocktails back at my place. I had to pop into the garage too, and as I did he drove away. I later had a text saying 'You weren't hot enough without your makeup, but if you put your face on we can try again tomorrow" FML!

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 18

By shitsforbrains - 31/12/2017 16:11

Today, I’m on day 5 of the shits. The urge hit before I could get to the bathroom. I shit all over my bedroom carpet, right next to my cat doing the same thing. She has diarrhea too. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 15

By alliwantforChristmas - 31/12/2017 15:35

Today, it's been six days since I heard from my "boyfriend", and he refuses to answer any of my texts or calls. Happy New Year to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 14

By "Dotx_ie" - 31/12/2017 14:17

After literally begging my boyfriend for sex multiple times with no success, it comes out he'd rather jack off to porn than exert any more energy than needed. We've been dating for three months.

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 27

By Sticky-3DS - 31/12/2017 11:11

Today, I was holding my very full glass of grape juice when it started to drip. I instinctively held my other hand underneath it to catch the drips. I forgot I was holding my 3DS in said hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 62

By Anonymous - 31/12/2017 01:03 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister's Marine boyfriend visited my Airforce vet father, Army vet's mother, my sister and I and I accidentally said "unit" instead of "platoon." Cue two hours of getting chewed out for making the tiniest of categorial mistakes. I should have learned my lesson by now. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 15

By RIPme - 31/12/2017 10:41

Today I truly realised how inconsiderate my father is. Not only has he been chugging milk straight from the communal bottle, knowing full well that I have a crippling fear of contamination, but he also used my £159 university book to pick his teeth. It's great to be home for Christmas. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 13

By Anonymous - 31/12/2017 01:33 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after going down on my husband and showing him how much I love him, he proceeded to go straight for penetration even after I said I'd like some attention. When I protested again, he said "What's the point, you can't have an orgasm anyway." I hate being pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 11

By loveumom - 31/12/2017 05:58

Today, my morbidly obese father yelled at me while I was making myself lunch, saying that at this rate, I would weigh 300 pounds by the time I’m 20. I’m 15, 5’ 8”, and I weigh 142 pounds. I’m just as confused as you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 6

By "Devilina1998" - 30/12/2017 23:39 - United States - Schenectady

I woke up late, and ran out of the house in -6 degree weather in my silk pajamas to catch my world studies final which I had showed up 30 minutes late for. My professor canceled it last minute.

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 25

By ThePhantomGamer - 31/12/2017 04:44

I found out my best friend of 24 years didn't move out of the country 11 years ago. He just moved across town and he told me he moved further away so he didn't have to hang out with me anymore.

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 9

By Anonymous - 31/12/2017 01:23

Today, I got over a cold. Just to catch another worse one. I work in the bakery around food. Sneezing snot rockets is not my idea of fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 8

By Jess - 30/12/2017 18:02 - Netherlands

Today, I'm in hospital for a bad case of pancreatitis and gallstones and need to get my gallbladder removed. Two months ago, when I went to the doctor with the same symptoms, he said, "It's just stress, go home and take some paracetamol." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 5

By FartingBunnyLady - 30/12/2017 17:48 - Denmark

Today, while I was on the couch with my baby bunny and my husband, I accidentally farted. As a punishment, my husband farted back. Thinking we were marking our territory, my bunny then decided to pee on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 41

By lifesux - 31/12/2017 02:09 - Australia - Timboon

Today, my roommate had a psychotic episode and kicked me out into the street in nothing but panties and a robe. Merry Christmas to me! FML.

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 8

By "Bitchney1992" - 30/12/2017 02:14 - United States - Olympia

Today, and for the last 22 days I've been on my period. I was recently diagnosed with endometriosis and apparently this is normal and something I should get used to. Being a girl is awesome, there goes my sex life. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 5

By McPotty - 29/12/2017 09:53 - United States - Charlotte

Today, as I was finishing up on the toilet I shifted to one side to wipe and the toilet seat snapped and made a loud popping noise. Now I have to tell my wife's parents that I broke their toilet. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 19

By zeak - 29/12/2017 14:00

Today, while I was walking to work I gave a homeless man some spare change, arrived at work, then found out the homeless man was our new manager and he was passed out on the street after a drunken night FML!!

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 10

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The Top

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Bumble. He spent the entire time talking about his pet tarantula and showing me pictures of it, all while I made 'ooh' and 'aah' noises, as if the guy was a child showing me his kindergarten drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 263

Today, I just got back from school with my mouth feeling like a bomb site, and also very hungry. I just got my braces installed yesterday, and I have to wear them for 18 months. I can barely eat anything solid, which means I will be hungry more often. It's going to be an awesome 18 months trying to focus on school! FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 143

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 281

You deserved it 2 616

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy started talking to me, then suddenly lost interest. Afterwards, I saw the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 412

You deserved it 22 027

Today, while on vacation, I lost my virginity to this really cute girl from Canada. I texted my older cousin to brag about it, to which he replied, “A girl from Canada? That’s the oldest cliché lie in the book.” I didn’t know it was cliché. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 330

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 954

You deserved it 5 003