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Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

#17104871
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24288) - you deserved it (8640)

On 07/14/2011 at 4:59am - misc - by Boo (woman) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

#20034373
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24288) - you deserved it (1587)

On 08/21/2012 at 7:17pm - misc - by anonymous - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

#21298539
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24285) - you deserved it (7148)

On 11/13/2014 at 7:04pm - misc - by Jakeok (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

#19289453
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24283) - you deserved it (12801)

On 03/16/2012 at 4:23pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Ireland

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

#21455715
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24283) - you deserved it (2433)

On 08/13/2015 at 7:50pm - kids - by stressedmom36 - United States (Florida)

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

#19476340
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24281) - you deserved it (1811)

On 04/16/2012 at 12:03am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

#20025166
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24281) - you deserved it (1855)

On 08/16/2012 at 8:22pm - health - by rainbows? more like shitstorms (man) - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

#6068781
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24280) - you deserved it (7227)

On 10/30/2009 at 10:23am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

#21383678
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24280) - you deserved it (2057)

On 03/29/2015 at 5:18pm - misc - by coldasfire - United States

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

#626
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24279) - you deserved it (6508)

On 12/29/2008 at 11:54pm - love - by sneezer - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

#14646268
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24279) - you deserved it (3047)

On 01/20/2011 at 1:01am - intimacy - by welly223 (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

#16886368
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24279) - you deserved it (38401)

On 06/27/2011 at 7:34pm - intimacy - by nomorefreehugs - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

#1955875
302 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24278) - you deserved it (43159)

On 05/15/2009 at 1:44am - intimacy - by badboyfriends (woman) - United States (California)



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