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Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

by wow / 05/05/2011 at 2:13am / Miscellaneous

Today, I turned on an old radio I haven't used for a long time and a pack of very small spiders came rushing out of the speakers when I turned up the volume. Guess they didn't like the groove. FML

by sadbuttru95 / 06/13/2015 at 5:20pm / Denmark (Sjelland) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 9:17am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to take me on a date. Just as we were about to drive away, my dad ran out of the house in his underwear and started yelling that he'd kill my boyfriend if I wasn't back home within the hour. FML

by mothtal / 06/03/2012 at 12:13pm / Bulgaria / Love

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

by anidiotskeeper / 07/12/2012 at 2:03am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

by JB / 09/09/2012 at 4:34am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2015 at 11:52pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Work

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

by Evelyn / 03/19/2012 at 4:18pm / United States / Kids

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

by mmromig / 02/08/2011 at 9:46am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

by supergirl7 / 07/27/2011 at 6:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken up by my husband attempting to breastfeed off my lactating nipples. FML

by Indianagirl94 / 10/29/2012 at 6:22pm / United States / Love

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

by jking2z / 03/13/2015 at 6:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

by BarhydtBran / 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (California) / Work