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Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

#19583210
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18391) - you deserved it (3724)

On 05/06/2012 at 5:57pm - health - by billiams15 (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

#19341181
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18390) - you deserved it (2245)

On 03/24/2012 at 9:41pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML

#20570299
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18389) - you deserved it (41321)

On 04/01/2013 at 5:00pm - intimacy - by Marco (man) - United States

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

#18217902
379 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18387) - you deserved it (77402)

On 11/11/2011 at 10:53am - intimacy - by dumbassbuffet (man) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

#14403939
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18384) - you deserved it (6923)

On 12/31/2010 at 1:13am - misc - by brenami (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was proud when I started a confrontation with my best friend's brother because he is a sexist pig who treats women like crap. Six hours later my pride was gone: I made him an after-sex sandwich. FML

#20975509
100 comments

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

#385410
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18380) - you deserved it (113507)

On 03/16/2009 at 4:41pm - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States

Today, I faced a dilemma. If I don't let the cat sleep in my bedroom, she spends all night howling at the door, waking up my 2-year-old in the process. If I do let her in, the dog gets distressed and chews the contents of the bin. If I let both of them in, I have no room to sleep. FML

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

#19572615
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18378) - you deserved it (3640)

On 05/04/2012 at 10:34am - misc - by UnderConstruction (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

#20176364
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18378) - you deserved it (6867)

On 11/24/2012 at 8:59am - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

#17981114
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18377) - you deserved it (2322)

On 10/14/2011 at 7:22am - love - by Jessy - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

#19635956
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18376) - you deserved it (7813)

On 05/17/2012 at 6:33am - misc - by kazmatazz (woman) - Oman

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

#921004
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18375) - you deserved it (88170)

On 04/12/2009 at 12:27am - intimacy - by anon13 (woman) - United States (New York)



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