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Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

by britanyann / 01/05/2012 at 10:45pm / United States / Animals

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2012 at 4:39am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

by fml...really / 11/27/2009 at 2:45am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2010 at 8:33am / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

by jriese444 / 12/23/2011 at 10:45am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

by tiredeolfatty / 09/20/2012 at 10:40pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I popped two tires hitting a curb. I called my dad hysterical, and he told me to call my mom and hung up. My mom's been dead for seven years. FML

by deadbeatdad / 11/15/2015 at 5:35pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

by mrb72 / 02/03/2009 at 5:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

by jking2z / 03/13/2015 at 6:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

by officeditz / 06/03/2015 at 9:59pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

by This guy / 02/20/2016 at 9:53pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

by lilsis / 01/31/2010 at 12:38am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

by ROLLY / 03/03/2010 at 3:35pm / United States (Florida) / Love