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Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

by lonelyandcold / 12/05/2012 at 6:27pm / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Money

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

by sad / 03/30/2012 at 6:21pm / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Love

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

by jriese444 / 12/23/2011 at 10:45am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

by fml...really / 11/27/2009 at 2:45am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

by wut / 08/05/2012 at 1:23am / United States / Health

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

by meunluckycharms / 09/14/2015 at 3:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

by fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt / 08/17/2012 at 12:27pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2011 at 1:37am / United States / Work

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

by loser / 07/31/2012 at 10:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

by kat, ACT / 12/20/2009 at 9:37am / United States / Transportation

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2010 at 8:33pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 11:37am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous