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Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

by Checkless chick / 05/08/2013 at 6:21pm / United States / Money

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 9:17am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

by theassman / 03/11/2009 at 12:42am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

by BarhydtBran / 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

by vixenscars / 01/19/2009 at 11:49am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2011 at 2:38am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

by jking2z / 03/13/2015 at 6:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2012 at 1:51am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

by wut / 08/05/2012 at 1:23am / United States / Health

Today, I was on hold with a company for so long that I was able to shower, clean my house, and was using the hold music to put my son to sleep. FML

by ShroomSalad / 08/17/2015 at 6:11pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

by Sack / 11/10/2011 at 6:16am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

by niiiiiiiiiikki / 01/08/2011 at 3:35pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

by vw / 02/20/2012 at 12:05am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous